I had a breakdown on Friday. I think there is no other word for it. I came home from work and all I could do was cry. I tried to do a blog entry on what I was feeling, but I was incoherent. I could barely put two words together, or even see the computer screen through my tears.
I do not know what set me off. Maybe it was the fact I had my period that day. Maybe it was seeing the crowd around the baby set me off. Maybe it is the fact I turn 34 in a couple of weeks, and I feel my biological clock ticking. Maybe it was fatigue. I do not know. All I know is that I had to come home and cry because I felt the lack of a child so keenly.
I just feel empty and hopeless right now. I feel like I may never get the experience of holding my own child. I may never experience childbirth. I may never get to raise a child of my own. I may never get to be a parent at all. All of that seemed to hit me on Friday.
I know that Hubby and I cannot get pregnant without medical help. I understand this. I know that we need $20,000 just to have a shot at getting pregnant with his DNA, and that is not possible at this point. We do not have the money or the resources. From where I am sitting right now, I feel like we may never get the money to have our chance at getting pregnant with our child. It may take us about a decade to get to a point where we feel comfortable gambling with that much money. I will be in my 40s at that point. Seems a little late, but who knows? Not sure how I feel about trying for a child at that age. Not something that was even on my radar screen. (Not that infertility was in my life plan, either. I think I got screwed.)
I think I realized on Friday that we are not going to do IVF. At least not right now, and probably never. That means that we may not ever have a child with Hubby’s DNA. That upsets me. When you love someone enough to marry them, I feel like having a child with them is an extension of that love. I know we will love any child who becomes a part of our family, no matter the source. But right now I am mourning the loss of a child from the two of us.
Hubby has a hard time talking about infertility stuff because he feels most of the problem right now is the male factor. I think he is just starting to work through how it feels to be infertile, and he does not want to talk about it because it makes him feel bad. Men seem to like avoiding unpleasant subjects. I have had a little longer to deal with being infertile, but I still get upset about it. We did discuss infertility for a little bit on Friday. It sometimes feels like it is the elephant in the room with us. We both know it is there, but no one wants to acknowledge it. We talked about how we could not afford IVF, and how it means that we would hot have a child with his genetic legacy. He is still working through how he feels about donor sperm. I think he feels better about donor sperm than adoption. He said with donor sperm, at least the child would be mine. We both agreed that now is not the time to pursue it. Maybe in the fall, when we are a bit more settled, we can look into it. Until then, we can mourn the loss of conceiving our child.
Sunday, April 6, 2008
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Opening Up
I have been thinking about reactions to infertility. I am in a new place, and people are curious about me. The first questions they ask are, “Are you married” and, “Do you have children?” This is especially true if the person asking is female. I am all right with the married part. I am married, and Hubby and I are very happy. The question about children bothers me. I usually will distract the asker with my dogs. (People always seem to have questions about Great Danes.) Recently I started telling people we are infertile. I am sort of tired of hiding it and feeling uncomfortable about the fact that I am infertile. Why not tell people? I have lived with this for a long time. If it makes people uncomfortable, so be it.
What I have found, so far, is that the other person will usually tell me a story about someone else they knew who dealt with infertility. The conversation sort of dies after that. It is like the people who have children can only talk about children. If you are not part of that club, then you are out in the cold. There seems to be nothing else to talk about if you do not have children. I think it is a sign of how focused our society is on family. It is very frustrating if you are childless. People do not seem to know what to do with you.
I guess infertility is outside the norm, and because it is outside the norm, some people have a hard time dealing with it. I think we maybe getting better at it. No one that I have come across has rejected me or treated me differently because I do not have children. (I think.) Infertility treatment is becoming more common, too. I think we have at least one doc at our hospital who deals with infertility patients. (No RE in Roanoke, unfortunately.) During a procedure I was assisting with, the doc got a page about a patient who was in ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome (OHSS). The nurse I was with asked what it was, and I knew, so I told her. She seemed surprised I knew what it was. She asked if I had ever worked in OB nursing. I told her I had never worked in OB nursing, but I was infertile. It seemed natural for me to know about OHSS because I am thinking about IVF, and I like to understand the procedure and the possible effects of treatment.
I suspect infertility treatment is more common now, and slowly attitudes are changing. Most of the people I have told have been understanding. But I have mostly only told other OR nurses and my Quaker friends. Time will tell how things turn out. It feels good to be honest about being infertile, for the most part. I still get uncomfortable with too much baby talk, and I am not going to attend baby showers any time soon. Hopefully by being honest about my infertility people will understand why I am not comfortable around babies and baby talk.
What I have found, so far, is that the other person will usually tell me a story about someone else they knew who dealt with infertility. The conversation sort of dies after that. It is like the people who have children can only talk about children. If you are not part of that club, then you are out in the cold. There seems to be nothing else to talk about if you do not have children. I think it is a sign of how focused our society is on family. It is very frustrating if you are childless. People do not seem to know what to do with you.
I guess infertility is outside the norm, and because it is outside the norm, some people have a hard time dealing with it. I think we maybe getting better at it. No one that I have come across has rejected me or treated me differently because I do not have children. (I think.) Infertility treatment is becoming more common, too. I think we have at least one doc at our hospital who deals with infertility patients. (No RE in Roanoke, unfortunately.) During a procedure I was assisting with, the doc got a page about a patient who was in ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome (OHSS). The nurse I was with asked what it was, and I knew, so I told her. She seemed surprised I knew what it was. She asked if I had ever worked in OB nursing. I told her I had never worked in OB nursing, but I was infertile. It seemed natural for me to know about OHSS because I am thinking about IVF, and I like to understand the procedure and the possible effects of treatment.
I suspect infertility treatment is more common now, and slowly attitudes are changing. Most of the people I have told have been understanding. But I have mostly only told other OR nurses and my Quaker friends. Time will tell how things turn out. It feels good to be honest about being infertile, for the most part. I still get uncomfortable with too much baby talk, and I am not going to attend baby showers any time soon. Hopefully by being honest about my infertility people will understand why I am not comfortable around babies and baby talk.
Sunday, March 2, 2008
Spring has Sprung
I think spring has sprung. The weather is beautiful. It just feels like spring. The following post is randomish thoughts on spring and Easter. I tried to make it as coherent as possible.
Spring is sort of weird for me. I love the renewal, the new growth. But, my birthday is in April, so spring means that another year of my life has passed. Another year of living with infertility. Spring should be a time of hope and new life, but for us there is no hope of new life within our family. The coming of spring is now bittersweet for me because of my infertility. It makes me feel empty and sad
.
Waiting is harder in spring. In winter it was all right to be dormant, and waiting for things to happen. Things start to grow in the spring. It is a beginning. In meeting this morning, someone mentioned that March used to be the first month of the year. To an agrarian society, this makes sense. The farmer can start farming again as the weather warms up. In an agrarian society, fertility and growth are very important. March is a time for beginnings
Easter comes along in spring. I am always surprised at how difficult Easter is for me. I guess it should not be too surprising. There is a celebration of youth and mothers and fertility. I have started wanting to skip Easter celebrations and services because there is the large focus on children and family. I get tired of feeling left out, of having in-laws shove babies at me, of feeling jealous because they have what I want so badly.
To me, there seem to be two parts to Easter. There is the Easter the Church celebrates, and there is the Easter people celebrate outside of church. The church celebrates Christ dying for us, suffering for us, thus allowing all of our sins to be forgiven. (I grew up Presbyterian, so there is a likely a Calvinist slant to this.) We take communion to remind us of that promise and Christ’s love for us. I like this part of it. To know no matter what I do, I will be loved. Taking communion and the rituals involved in celebrating the resurrection are meaningful to me.
The other part of Easter celebrations centers around fertility, family and new growth. I think I read somewhere that the church took over a pagan celebration of fertility. (The church took over many pagan celebrations, and just put their rituals over top of the pagan ones. If you can’t beat them, join them.) The focus on fertility could be why there is such a big focus on babies, young children, and mothers on Easter. This is the part that is difficult for me. I really want to be a part of this, but I cannot. I want to be a mother, with a child, and celebrate Easter fully. Thanks to whatever higher power is up there, that is not possible right now, and I think only a miracle will make it possible in the near future. As far as I can tell, miracles are hard to come by for me. As I see it, until we can afford IVF, there is no hope for any kind of miracle at all.
Spring is here and I am tired of waiting. I know I should try to be patient, because we have a lot of things going on. Adding IVF to that would be even more stress. Hubby’s practice is not even off the ground, we have not closed on our house in Tappahannock, we have not bought a house here in Roanoke. I have only been in my job a month. This is a transitional time for us. I understand that. But I really want a family. I have been infertile for a little under a decade. It hurts knowing that we do not have hope of getting pregnant this spring. I cannot do anything other than wait. I just feel like I have been waiting a long time.
Spring is sort of weird for me. I love the renewal, the new growth. But, my birthday is in April, so spring means that another year of my life has passed. Another year of living with infertility. Spring should be a time of hope and new life, but for us there is no hope of new life within our family. The coming of spring is now bittersweet for me because of my infertility. It makes me feel empty and sad
.
Waiting is harder in spring. In winter it was all right to be dormant, and waiting for things to happen. Things start to grow in the spring. It is a beginning. In meeting this morning, someone mentioned that March used to be the first month of the year. To an agrarian society, this makes sense. The farmer can start farming again as the weather warms up. In an agrarian society, fertility and growth are very important. March is a time for beginnings
Easter comes along in spring. I am always surprised at how difficult Easter is for me. I guess it should not be too surprising. There is a celebration of youth and mothers and fertility. I have started wanting to skip Easter celebrations and services because there is the large focus on children and family. I get tired of feeling left out, of having in-laws shove babies at me, of feeling jealous because they have what I want so badly.
To me, there seem to be two parts to Easter. There is the Easter the Church celebrates, and there is the Easter people celebrate outside of church. The church celebrates Christ dying for us, suffering for us, thus allowing all of our sins to be forgiven. (I grew up Presbyterian, so there is a likely a Calvinist slant to this.) We take communion to remind us of that promise and Christ’s love for us. I like this part of it. To know no matter what I do, I will be loved. Taking communion and the rituals involved in celebrating the resurrection are meaningful to me.
The other part of Easter celebrations centers around fertility, family and new growth. I think I read somewhere that the church took over a pagan celebration of fertility. (The church took over many pagan celebrations, and just put their rituals over top of the pagan ones. If you can’t beat them, join them.) The focus on fertility could be why there is such a big focus on babies, young children, and mothers on Easter. This is the part that is difficult for me. I really want to be a part of this, but I cannot. I want to be a mother, with a child, and celebrate Easter fully. Thanks to whatever higher power is up there, that is not possible right now, and I think only a miracle will make it possible in the near future. As far as I can tell, miracles are hard to come by for me. As I see it, until we can afford IVF, there is no hope for any kind of miracle at all.
Spring is here and I am tired of waiting. I know I should try to be patient, because we have a lot of things going on. Adding IVF to that would be even more stress. Hubby’s practice is not even off the ground, we have not closed on our house in Tappahannock, we have not bought a house here in Roanoke. I have only been in my job a month. This is a transitional time for us. I understand that. But I really want a family. I have been infertile for a little under a decade. It hurts knowing that we do not have hope of getting pregnant this spring. I cannot do anything other than wait. I just feel like I have been waiting a long time.
Monday, February 25, 2008
Mostly Smooth Sailing
I meant to post this over the weekend, and got sidetracked. I think I have PMS. It is about the right time, and I have the usual symptoms; crabbiness, bloating, chocolate cravings. I fly off the handle at the slightest thing lately.
Things seem to be going smoothly, for the most part.
We finally sold our house. It sold for lower than we wanted, but it did sell. Thank goodness. Now we have one less payment to worry about. We are waiting on a settlement date, though. Hopefully we will know something soon.
Hubby’s practice is going well, and taking off slowly. He has started making the rounds of the courts and local lawyers for the past week, and he already has about five cases. They are all court appointed or pro bono, but you have to start somewhere. I think that is a good sign. He has one client from Tappahannock who wanted to keep him on, and they are paying him. That is also kind of neat, I think. Heis doing a lot of juvenile cases. He has experience doing juvie stuff, and has also done guardian ad lidem cases. Most of the courts in the area are really happy about that. He is thinking of getting into bankruptcy law, as well. Apparently there is only one other lawyer in the New River Valley who does bankruptcy law. It all seems to be going well.
I am finally learning everything I need to do to do my job. As an OR nurse, I need to be able to scrub and circulate. I have been sent hither and yon to see how things were done at this hospital. It is sort of neat. It gave me an idea of the big picture and I think it will help me as a circulator and a scrub. I finally got to start scrubbing Friday. I reviewed some info on scrubbing this weekend. I usually am reluctant to do pre-reading, but I think I needed to in this case. It will help me learn it faster and hopefully do a better job. I also need to get a notebook for cheat sheets and other useful info. As I work with all the different surgeons, I can learn how they do things and what equipment they will need. I understand a lot of this information in theory, but it always seems different when you do it in practice. Today I scrubbed in on hernia repairs all day. I sort of get it. If I could get past my nervousness, I would probably do better. I am new, and I will get better with time.
It is sort of funny. I am really excited about learning to scrub. It is a skill I know I need to do my job. But I really do not like being bad at things. I am a bit of a perfectionist, and anal to boot. If it is bad or wrong I do not like it. As I start to learn, I will make mistakes, and I need to accept than. I do not have to like it, but I can accept it and learn from it. It will likely help me learn faster if I learn from my mistakes.
I attended a Quaker meeting on Sunday, and one of the women in the group talked about being comfortable with uncertainty. I have a lot of that right now. I never know what the next day will bring. I need to be open to anything. That is tough for me. I like to anticipate what will happen and plan for it. I am trying to be open to uncertainty. It is pretty scary.
In other news…
Our boy dog has been having trouble going down stairs. Hubby took him to the vet, and the vet thinks it may be early onset of wobblers syndrome. That is a bit of a concern for us. I hope we caught it early enough that we can treat it. He got a steroid shot and is staking prednisone for a little while. We a little concerned about the steroid though. He has been drinking a lot, and he has been really hungry lately. He is peeing out all the water he drinks, and the dose gets reduced starting today. I may wait and see if it gets better with the reduced dose. I have not noticed weight loss, but it has only been a few days. We may call the vet, and make sure there is nothing we need to worry about. His gait is better, though. Hopefully this will help, and it will degenerate and come back.
Things seem to be going smoothly, for the most part.
We finally sold our house. It sold for lower than we wanted, but it did sell. Thank goodness. Now we have one less payment to worry about. We are waiting on a settlement date, though. Hopefully we will know something soon.
Hubby’s practice is going well, and taking off slowly. He has started making the rounds of the courts and local lawyers for the past week, and he already has about five cases. They are all court appointed or pro bono, but you have to start somewhere. I think that is a good sign. He has one client from Tappahannock who wanted to keep him on, and they are paying him. That is also kind of neat, I think. Heis doing a lot of juvenile cases. He has experience doing juvie stuff, and has also done guardian ad lidem cases. Most of the courts in the area are really happy about that. He is thinking of getting into bankruptcy law, as well. Apparently there is only one other lawyer in the New River Valley who does bankruptcy law. It all seems to be going well.
I am finally learning everything I need to do to do my job. As an OR nurse, I need to be able to scrub and circulate. I have been sent hither and yon to see how things were done at this hospital. It is sort of neat. It gave me an idea of the big picture and I think it will help me as a circulator and a scrub. I finally got to start scrubbing Friday. I reviewed some info on scrubbing this weekend. I usually am reluctant to do pre-reading, but I think I needed to in this case. It will help me learn it faster and hopefully do a better job. I also need to get a notebook for cheat sheets and other useful info. As I work with all the different surgeons, I can learn how they do things and what equipment they will need. I understand a lot of this information in theory, but it always seems different when you do it in practice. Today I scrubbed in on hernia repairs all day. I sort of get it. If I could get past my nervousness, I would probably do better. I am new, and I will get better with time.
It is sort of funny. I am really excited about learning to scrub. It is a skill I know I need to do my job. But I really do not like being bad at things. I am a bit of a perfectionist, and anal to boot. If it is bad or wrong I do not like it. As I start to learn, I will make mistakes, and I need to accept than. I do not have to like it, but I can accept it and learn from it. It will likely help me learn faster if I learn from my mistakes.
I attended a Quaker meeting on Sunday, and one of the women in the group talked about being comfortable with uncertainty. I have a lot of that right now. I never know what the next day will bring. I need to be open to anything. That is tough for me. I like to anticipate what will happen and plan for it. I am trying to be open to uncertainty. It is pretty scary.
In other news…
Our boy dog has been having trouble going down stairs. Hubby took him to the vet, and the vet thinks it may be early onset of wobblers syndrome. That is a bit of a concern for us. I hope we caught it early enough that we can treat it. He got a steroid shot and is staking prednisone for a little while. We a little concerned about the steroid though. He has been drinking a lot, and he has been really hungry lately. He is peeing out all the water he drinks, and the dose gets reduced starting today. I may wait and see if it gets better with the reduced dose. I have not noticed weight loss, but it has only been a few days. We may call the vet, and make sure there is nothing we need to worry about. His gait is better, though. Hopefully this will help, and it will degenerate and come back.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Status quo...
It has been a while since I updated my blog, but there is not much to say.
I started work, and I am orienting everywhere. They send me to all departments related to OR, so that I understand the perioperative flow in the hospital. Tomorrow I have the second week of my OR class, where I learn how to handle myself the OR. I think they will teach me both circulating and scrubbing. Yesterday and today I put together trays and started to learn some of the equipment I will need to know. I now know the difference between a hemostat and a Kocher. I also know the difference between a Crile and a Kelly clamp. It was sort of interesting to see all the different trays and what they are used for. A GYN tray looks a lot different from an orthopedic tray. The craniotomy tray I put together had a lot of crazy equipment. I think I am interested to see what neurosurgery is like. It seems like it would be very fine and delicate work. I will just have to wait and see where I end up. I get to rotate through all the specialties and pick the ones I like.
Hubby has set up his office. He seems to be more excited about things. I think setting up the office made it more real to him. He made letterhead, and is working on a sign for the door. He sent letters to the various courts around Christiansburg to get on their court appointed lists. He has a lot of free time right now, so he has been doing a lot of the cooking, which I really appreciate. He plans on cooking a special meal for me for Valentine’s Day. He said he is cooking me lamb. I like lamb, so I am looking forward to it.
For the part things are rolling along like they should be. Not much to report, really.
I started work, and I am orienting everywhere. They send me to all departments related to OR, so that I understand the perioperative flow in the hospital. Tomorrow I have the second week of my OR class, where I learn how to handle myself the OR. I think they will teach me both circulating and scrubbing. Yesterday and today I put together trays and started to learn some of the equipment I will need to know. I now know the difference between a hemostat and a Kocher. I also know the difference between a Crile and a Kelly clamp. It was sort of interesting to see all the different trays and what they are used for. A GYN tray looks a lot different from an orthopedic tray. The craniotomy tray I put together had a lot of crazy equipment. I think I am interested to see what neurosurgery is like. It seems like it would be very fine and delicate work. I will just have to wait and see where I end up. I get to rotate through all the specialties and pick the ones I like.
Hubby has set up his office. He seems to be more excited about things. I think setting up the office made it more real to him. He made letterhead, and is working on a sign for the door. He sent letters to the various courts around Christiansburg to get on their court appointed lists. He has a lot of free time right now, so he has been doing a lot of the cooking, which I really appreciate. He plans on cooking a special meal for me for Valentine’s Day. He said he is cooking me lamb. I like lamb, so I am looking forward to it.
For the part things are rolling along like they should be. Not much to report, really.
Thursday, February 7, 2008
Back in Civilization
I thought I would post a picture of my "babies." The dog on the right is our boy Oscar, and the dog on the left is our girl Gertrude. The little cat is named Belle. Now that we have high speed internet, I can post pictures! Now I just need to take more pictures..
I have not updated in a while because things have been really hectic. We finally moved out of Tappahannock, and the change in both of us is amazing. Hubby is more relaxed, and he is enjoying some of the routine activities that were such a pain before we moved. People in the grocery stores are nice and polite. The food looks good and appetizing. Not to mention the beer and wine selection.
The house still has not sold, though we do appear to have someone interested in buying the house. Now if we could get them to stop looking at it, and just put in an offer, we would be really happy.
I am very exited about my job. It is so awesome to be in the OR again! I am very excited to learn to scrub and possibly specialize in one area. The people all seem to be really nice, and appear to be happy to be there. Even when they complain, they are pretty positive about what they do and where they work. Of course, people could be putting on a brave face for the new hire. In general though, people seem happy. We will see how well I live with this job.
I did not realize that Lent started yesterday until my mother emailed me. I am not catholic, but I like the custom of giving up something for Lent. I decided to give up cable TV. We were sort of already doing it, but now we will wait until spring instead of “just until we can afford it.” I think it will be good for me. I think I had gotten used to wasting time in front of the TV, and now I can get back to things I want to do, such as regular meditation and regular workouts. The other part of the Lent custom is to do something. I decided to journal all my food on Weight Watchers. I am paying for the service, and I have not really used it the past couple of months. I will try to do better with that. We will see how it goes. I will try to keep the site updated on my progress.
Friday, February 1, 2008
Finally Moving!
Move day is tomorrow! It seems like the closer I get to the move, the crazier I get. I am very excited because it is happening, and I am leaving this area. Finally! There are times when I thought this day would never come. I also start my new job on Monday. The first couple of days are orientation, and then I think I will dive right in to the OR. I am excited to do OR again!
Hubby is doing better with the move. I think he is almost looking forward to it at this point. He is more relaxed about things because he is not looking for a job anymore, and he is putting a lot of his energy into starting his practice. I think he is getting pretty excited about starting his own business. That is good, and a change from one month ago. There was a time when the only people who were happy in our house were the dogs. And one of our dogs was a little worried. (Our female is a bit of a mommy’s girl and she can be affected by how I feel. She does better if I am around and feeling good.)
In other news...
Hubby and I discussed infertility stuff recently, and he told me that he was trying to figure out how he felt about using donor sperm. This sort of surprised me, because last I heard from him, having a child with his DNA was very important to him. IVF is expensive, and using donor sperm would be a cheaper alternative. Personally, I think we will love whatever child we have, no matter the source of genetic material. But Hubby has to work through this on his own. The male factor infertility hit him hard, and it hit him at a time when everything inhis life was changing. There is also the whole nature vs. nurture argument. People seem to be somewhat affected by their DNA, but the environment they are raised in, and how they are raised also seems to have a large effect on who they are. Science is still trying to figure out how much our genes determine who we are and how we live. I think any child we have would be loved by both of us and be affected by us as parents.
I mentioned the fact that we could choose a friend to be sperm donor, (if the friends sperm was all right), and mentioned some of his friends from college. He thought he would feel wierd asking them, but I have a hunch a couple of them would get a kick out of it. One of the first people I mentioned was his best man at our wedding. He is a big black guy, but both of us really like and respect him. (Both hubby and I are caucasian.) My immediate family would probably be all right with that, but we thought his family might not be able to deal with a mixed race baby. I also mentioned another one of his roommates from college, but he also thought of a reason to reject him as well. (He is also caucasian, but he is too whilny, he said.) Ah well, there is always the anonymous sperm donor. That may sit better with Hubby should we decide this is the path we want to take.
The closest thing we have to compare children to are our dogs. I know, they are not exactly the same as children,but we love our dogs a lot. Right now, they are our children, so that is all I have to compare parentling to. I think we would love any child we had, especially if I went through the pregnancy. I love my husband and I would do IVF with him in a heartbeat, because I would love to have a child of his genetic legacy. But having a family is important to me as well. I am not as concerned where the genetic material comes from. In fact, I am the one who has brought up the subject of adoption, and he is the one who has rejected that option.
I think I will leave the decision for IVF vs donor sperm up to him. I can do either, but I want him to be happy with the decision. We should do this together, so we should be in agreement about what we are doing. We also need to be at a point where we can afford to do something. This infertility stuff is expensive, and right now money is tight. We need to sell our house and get settled in Roanoke, first. One thing at a time.
Hubby is doing better with the move. I think he is almost looking forward to it at this point. He is more relaxed about things because he is not looking for a job anymore, and he is putting a lot of his energy into starting his practice. I think he is getting pretty excited about starting his own business. That is good, and a change from one month ago. There was a time when the only people who were happy in our house were the dogs. And one of our dogs was a little worried. (Our female is a bit of a mommy’s girl and she can be affected by how I feel. She does better if I am around and feeling good.)
In other news...
Hubby and I discussed infertility stuff recently, and he told me that he was trying to figure out how he felt about using donor sperm. This sort of surprised me, because last I heard from him, having a child with his DNA was very important to him. IVF is expensive, and using donor sperm would be a cheaper alternative. Personally, I think we will love whatever child we have, no matter the source of genetic material. But Hubby has to work through this on his own. The male factor infertility hit him hard, and it hit him at a time when everything inhis life was changing. There is also the whole nature vs. nurture argument. People seem to be somewhat affected by their DNA, but the environment they are raised in, and how they are raised also seems to have a large effect on who they are. Science is still trying to figure out how much our genes determine who we are and how we live. I think any child we have would be loved by both of us and be affected by us as parents.
I mentioned the fact that we could choose a friend to be sperm donor, (if the friends sperm was all right), and mentioned some of his friends from college. He thought he would feel wierd asking them, but I have a hunch a couple of them would get a kick out of it. One of the first people I mentioned was his best man at our wedding. He is a big black guy, but both of us really like and respect him. (Both hubby and I are caucasian.) My immediate family would probably be all right with that, but we thought his family might not be able to deal with a mixed race baby. I also mentioned another one of his roommates from college, but he also thought of a reason to reject him as well. (He is also caucasian, but he is too whilny, he said.) Ah well, there is always the anonymous sperm donor. That may sit better with Hubby should we decide this is the path we want to take.
The closest thing we have to compare children to are our dogs. I know, they are not exactly the same as children,but we love our dogs a lot. Right now, they are our children, so that is all I have to compare parentling to. I think we would love any child we had, especially if I went through the pregnancy. I love my husband and I would do IVF with him in a heartbeat, because I would love to have a child of his genetic legacy. But having a family is important to me as well. I am not as concerned where the genetic material comes from. In fact, I am the one who has brought up the subject of adoption, and he is the one who has rejected that option.
I think I will leave the decision for IVF vs donor sperm up to him. I can do either, but I want him to be happy with the decision. We should do this together, so we should be in agreement about what we are doing. We also need to be at a point where we can afford to do something. This infertility stuff is expensive, and right now money is tight. We need to sell our house and get settled in Roanoke, first. One thing at a time.
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