Sunday, November 11, 2007

Sunday night musings

I probably ought to try to link with other blogs, but right now the blog feels unformed to me. I am a perfectionist who really wants to do things well. I want a better idea about the blog before I go "public" with it. Besides, dial up connection I have really makes things difficult. I do not know. I think I want to think about it first.

Hubby is sick, and has been sort of sniffly lately. Not condusive to sex, though we may try tomorrow. I spent the day cleaning the house just in case someone wanted to look at it. I talked with the real estate agent, and he said the house was too doggy. Well, we do have two great danes who live with us. That could contribute to the doggy-ness of the house. I spent the weekend vaccuuming couches, sweeping and mopping floors. The house is clean, and smells better, but no one came to look at it. It is sort of discouraging. I do all this work to keep the house clean and hopefully showing well, and no one comes to look at it. I know the market is slow, so I should not feel too bad. but I know I am going to have to do all the same work next weekend. Just in case someone comes to look at the house. The frustrating thing is that I think we are competing with brand new houses in the same area. I have high hopes that we will sell, but we have to get people to look at the house in order to sell it.

The house has been a bone of contention between the Hubby and I. He is worried about what will happen if we do not sell the house. The house may sell better if we are not here. I do not know . We get a lot of older people retiring to the area and I think our house is not what most older people are looking for. This is a fairly conservative area. I hate being stuck with this house. I wish there was an easy way out of this. I have a job, and will likely start in January. This stupid house will keep us in the area, and I hate it.

I hate this area. I hate feeling disconnected from everything. I hate that I cannot have a family and be a normal female. I know there are a lot of other women out there who are going through the same thing, but I still feel like a failure as a female at times. I hate being dependent on my mother for someone to talk to. I hate the amount of stupid people in this area. I was at the Wal-Mart this morning doing my grocery shopping, and I saw a lot of people with blank looks on their faces. I hate being an hour away from anything. My job, my family, and anything else is an hour away. I hate it. Because of that, I have no social life. That and working nights. I have no support system, no regular church I attend, nowhere to go on my off time, no girlfriend to bitch to when I am not happy. I feel like I have nothing out here. I hate it. Get me the hell out of here! One thing keeping us here is our stupid house!

Get me the hell out of this area!

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Looking up.

I am very excited because it looks like we may actually be able to leave the area. At least, I will be able to leave the area. I have a job! A hospital has offered to let me work in their OR! I am so excited I can hardly believe it. It is a level one trauma center, so I am sure I will see some interesting things. Hubby has an interview on the 19th, and we are both keeping our fingers crossed that it will work out.

I think I am hitting mid cycle because I am starting to feel more upbeat about stuff, and generally more happy. Of course, getting a job helps a bit! I have not touched my BBT thermometer this month, and it feels like a vacation. It is a nice break not to have infertility stuff you need to do. At least for the time being. It all starts again in December, though. But for right now, I can just cruise.

I have to work the next three nights, which sort of sucks. I started counting down the time I have left in my job. I have about six weeks left. That feels good, too. It was such a relief to put in my resignation. I gave a lot of notice, but I wanted to have a definite end point. It makes a difference.

I was looking at other blogs, and realized I am not sure if I care if anyone reads mine. It is very personal, and sort of selfish, but it is an outlet. I think it is helping me just to do it. Maybe as the site evolves, I will care more. But right now, I am just enjoying posting on it and using it as a journal.

Friday, November 2, 2007

Feel better now.

I feel better after getting a lot of sleep last night. Working nights is really messing me up. At least I am leaving that job.

I am not sure what to make the focus of the blog. I have a lot of stuff going on. I am considering making the focus my infertility journey. Of course, right now I may also blog about moving, and other changes going on. Life is not easily compartmentalized, and it all seems to affect each other. If I do make the focus infertility, I may change the name of the blog.

This cycle will not be a big infertility cycle because I am not doing anything this cycle. I am thinking of not even doing my temps. It is sort of nice not to have to worry about it. I may do my temps toward the end of my cycle just to figure out when my period is due. My cycles have a tendency to be irregular.

With PCOS, weight loss seems to be part of the infertility treatment. So, Hubby and I are doing Weight Watchers. Hubby is doing Weight Watchers with me for health reasons. I have seen too many overweight men in their forties end up on the cardiac unit where I work. I want him around to help raise our children when we finally get pregnant

I have not seen big losses on the scale, though I think I have lost inches, and I feel a lot better. A lot of people have noticed I have lost weight, and my clothes do not fit. Hubby has been doing better dropping weight, though I think he has more to lose. At least it is working for both of us. I just need to keep at it. Hubby likes the way I look since I have lost some weight. He has had a hard time keeping his hands off me lately. And I feel more sexy, to boot.

We are just at the beginning of our infertility journey. It is difficult for me to imagine success at this point. I feel like my period is inevitable every month. I try to remember that we are in the process of getting help for the infertility, but that is difficult for me to remember when I have my period. I think the lack of estrogen during my periods makes me feel really low, and the failure of another cycle does not help my morale. At least my lows are cyclic. After my period is over, my estrogen climbs again, and I start to feel better. It is a rollercoaster, though. Highs can be really high, and the lows are really low. At least for me.

I just finished my period, so I am starting to feel more optimistic about things in general. I can just realx this cycle, and work on other things, such as moving and finding a new job and selling the house. I think I am thinking of this cycle as breathing room.

Thursday, November 1, 2007


This is sort of a whim right now, and we will see how often I post. Unfortunately, I do not have a lot of time at the moment to write a whole lot. So just a little about myself...

I am a Virginia girl, though I grew up in Northern Virginia. Many Virginians do not consider Northern Virginia to actually be part of the Commonwealth of Virginia. I married a Virginia redneck who went to law school. He is sort of your King Bubba redneck. He knows how to do stuff, he would just rather pay someone else to do it.

Hubby and I are in the process of moving across the state. I hate where I am living currently, though I did find my RE while I was here. Unfortunately, we are moving farther away from him. I have PCOS, which was the reason we started going to an RE in the first place. My RE managed to get me ovulating, and then we realized that hubby's sperm had poor morphology. Sigh. It seems if it is not one thing it is another. We had an IUI last cycle, which was unsuccesssful, and we are resting this cycle. Hubby has cut back on his alcohol intake, and we are trying again in December. We are planning on having an IVF consult with my RE before we leave the area. If I do IVF I want to go back to this guy.

Both of us are job hunting. Fortunately we both have interviews. I am a nurse, who is thinking of going back into the operating room for my next job. No lack of OR jobs, apparently. I currently work nights on a PCU, which is really getting me down. (Working nights, that is. The patients are mostly entertaining.) On the bright side, I have already given notice for my current job, so I can go ahead and count down the days.

I apologize for any rambling. I just got off working a couple of nights, and I am feeling a bit off.

I am off to have a soak in the tub, and then finish getting the house ready for showing this afternoon. I heard the smell chocolate chip cookies helps sell. Maybe I should bake a batch. Then I could have my favorite snack... Chocolate chip cookies and a glass of red wine.