Saturday, December 22, 2007

Deep Breaths...

Feeling better now. I went to Stirrup Queen's blog, and she had the perfect thing. It is nice to know that you are not alone. She had the perfect things to say. Please go and see what she posted. (The link is in my sidebar. I am new at this and cannot figure out how to link in my text. Sorry.)

I also cleaned up a little. It is not perfect, but at least the clutter and dustbunnies are under control. I think it helped me work off some of this mad.

I think I may be in a better place to let stuff go now. Hopefully now I can enjoy my holiday. After I eat lunch I may break out my eggnog and start wrapping. Nothing makes a chore go better like alcohol.

I do have things to be grateful for this holiday. I am looking forward to seeing my family this holiday. I actually get a holiday, and I am not working. I am leaving the area at the end of the month. I have a whole month off to get stuff organized and moved. I have a wonderful Hubby who loves me so much that he is rearranging his life so that I can be happy. I have two wonderful Great Danes who love me very much. I have two cats who tolerate me and occaisonally let me pet them. And I can drink wine without feeling guilty this holiday. Being an oenophile, that is important to me. Maybe I will bring a bottle of wine to share with my family Christmas Eve.

Murphy's Law

Well, what else can go wrong? Stuff seems to be going downhill on all fronts right now.

I heard from Hubby that he talked to our real estate agent about the couple who came back for a second look at the house with a contractor. Apparently after looking at it with the contractor, they lost interest because they thought there is too much to do on the house. I think that just sucks. I hate it, but I guess all I can do is go on. I will work on some stuff after the holidays. Call contractors, and stuff like that. Some of the little stuff I may be able to do myself.

My check from work never got direct deposited, like I thought it would. Now my account is overdrawn. Fortunately Hubby let me cover it with money from his account. I really hope they are mailing my check to me. Also, they need to pay me my PTO I never used. I need that money to get me through January since I will not be working.

Then, just the icing on the cake, my temps have dipped below 98.0 this morning, which means my period is on its way. Ain’t that just a merry Christmas present. I will likely feel better after my period starts, but I will be grumpy and irritable until then. I was expecting it, but getting my period is never any fun.

Needless to say, I am not in a Christmas mood right now. I plan on working out at some point this morning, hopefully that will help me let some of this go. I just want to break down and cry at how hopeless everything seems right now. I feel like if something can go wrong, it will go wrong. What a mess. I am trying to let stuff go until after the holiday. There is not much I can do about this stuff until after Christmas, anyway. Some of this stuff may have to wait until the new year.

I have a wrapping marathon to do today. I have not done a whole lot of wrapping yet, and time is running out. I did get some eggnog from the ABC store. I may have a glass of that this afternoon to make things easier. Or at least seem easier.

I hope everyone has a good holiday!

Wednesday, December 19, 2007


Hubby and I definitely feel differently about moving. It is starting to get to the point where we need to start making plans for the move, and he does not even want to talk about it. I am really trying to understand his point of view and be compassionate, but it is difficult.

I am anxioius and excited to leave. To me it feels like I will get a life back. I will hopefully be able to join and participate in a church. I have friends and my support system is in that area. The culture out there is very different from here, and I just feel more comfortable out there.

Hubby, on the other hand, is leaving a sort of good job. (There were things which were starting to annoy him.) He is sort of established in the area. He has family out here, and he has worked hard at his job and felt like he accomplished something. He has not found a job in or around Roanoke, our house has not sold, and I think he is feeling a little threatened by the whole situation. Then there is the infertility aspect. It really hit him hard when we realized that there was male factor involved.

Being a nurse, my inclination is to fix things. I have done everything I can, but there is no fix for this situation. I have pushed back my start date a few weeks. I have found us a place to live in Roanoke, and I am using my savings to pay the rent on the place. That should give us some breathing room. I cannot fix his situation. Every time he talks about it, it all sounds so hopeless, it sounds like we will be stuck here forever. I cannot deal with thiat. I do not have a lot to look forward to. Leaving the area is one thing I have which is making me happy.

For me, right now, the most important thing is to leave Tappahannock. I really tried to make it work in this area, but I could not. I think I am going to have to wait on any more infertility treatments until after we move. I think the infertility stuff would be one more stressor for hubby on top of everything else. Financially it will make the move easier, as well. I think when we come back to it, we will probably go straight for the IVF. With Hubby's poor morphology, ISCI seems to be the way to go. My RE tried to put it in perspective for me. We have had about nine years of not preventing or actively trying, with no success. With that sort of track record, there is more than one problem. IVF with ICSI is probably our best shot.

So...the plan is get moved, and try IVF in spring. It has waited this long, another month or two will probably not hurt anything. The break will also give up time to get our heads around the idea of IVF. I think it is more diffucult for me than for him.

I think it is awesome that people want to follow my journey. Anyone is welcome to join me. I am currently in a 2 week wait after IUI. Expecting my period around the 23rd or 24th. (Yeah, I know, probably will not be a very merry Christmas.) Hubby's SA this cycle was 0% normal forms, so I am expecting my period to show up as scheduled. Sigh. Yet another disappointment.

Monday, December 17, 2007

Feeling Edgy

I think I have been so used to being busy and working nights that now that I am neither, I am not sure what to do with myself. Yesterday I could barely sit still. I did the prep work for my big marbling project, but that only took about an hour. I cleaned a little bit, I meditated, I hung out with Hubby and the dogs. It felt good to be able to do nothing, but I am not used to it.

I am meeting my sister today for lunch. I am really looking forward to that. I have not seen her in a while. She goes out of town on a regualar basis, so she is hard to keep up with.

I am tempted to not do anything else infertility-wise until after we move to Roanoke. I doubt Hubby's semen analysis will get any better. But there is a part of me that wants to try IUI just once more. For the heck of it. I think I have a slim hope that maybe things have improved by now. Probably unlikely. I do not think we could handle another semen analysis coming back with 0-1% normal forms. Because that is the case, our best shot will likely be IVF.

IVF feels like a big step for me. It probably has to do with my control issues. I hate being out of control of things. IVF is very invasive for the female. I have to put myself completely in the hands of the MD. Fortunately, I am finding I like my current RE. I will probably stay with him when we decide to go forward with IVF. I would have to travel anyway for IVF because there is no one in Roanoke. We have already had our IVF consult with him, so all we would have to do is contact his office to get started. He says he has people he works with in Roanoke who could follow my cycles.

Hopefully by waiting a few months, I will be able to get my head around the idea of IVF, and my role in it. We will also be able to get our financing in place. I think I am not happy about giving up on IUI, but it appears to be the best thing to do. In the meantime, I can get myself as healthy as possible. I think that will make things easier.

Saturday, December 15, 2007

One Thing Over!

I worked my last night at my job last night. Now I can recover from working nights, and I can sleep every night with Hubby! I was beginniing to miss nights away from Hubby.

I can also start to make Christmas gifts.

Every year I make Christmas gifts for everyone in my family. This year I have a very ambitious project in mind. I am going to try marbling. I may start getting everything prepped for it tomorrow, and spend a few days just doing the dying. I am pretty excited.

I am only going to post a short note right now. I am too tired to really write anything sensible. Maybe tomorrow after sleep I will be more in my right mind. Or at least slightly more sensible.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Time Lapse

It has been about a month since I have posted to my blog.

I think I have wanted to ignore all my problems and hope they go away.

The house still has not sold. Not really surprising, given the market right now. We have had a lot of interest, but no offers, yet. I need to start looking at temporary housing in Roanoke, I think. It is frustrating having so much interest, but no offers. I think people are just waiting for something.

We did IUI this cycle, but Hubby's sperm came back with no normal forms, so I doubt that anything will happen this cycle. Unfortunately, that means my period is due around Christmas. Merry Christmas to me. Not making me the most happy camper in the world right now. Fortunately, we are doing Christmas with my family, and no one in my generation is having children, yet. There is one couple who could possibly be pregnant, but I hope my parents will warn me if that is the case.

Both of us are a little devastated by the news of his semen analysis. I know exactly how hubby feels. When I was diagnosed with PCOS, I flet like a failure as a female. This is something my body was made to do, and I could not do it. I have a nuch hubby feels the same way right now. I wich there was something I could do to make it better.

We still have two vials of the semen we can use for another IUI, but I do not know if it is worth it. MD wants new semen samples for IVF in the spring, so they will likely just sit there, unused.

We are looking at IVF in the spring. How we are going to afford IVF is another question. The house needs to sell, and Hubby needs a job, or at least start his own business. If he starts his own business, I do not know how much he is going to be willing to spend. He does want his own child, though, so I think he will be willing to invest in the process.

I am a little sad that we have to do IVF. I wanted things to be as natural as possible. Now that ideal is gone. I guess while I am waiting to start IVF, I can get myself as healthy as possible. I think it will be easier if I am in the best shape I can possibly be. I already have lost some weight, but I could stand to lose more. I will continue with weight watchers and working out. That should also keep my stress level as low as possible.