I am moving.

I just decided to do it, and move everything over to one Google account. I had the time this weekend. It will be easier if everything is simple. (At least that is the theory.)

You can now find me over at Do Without Doing

My show and tell this week is over there. Go and check it out!

Thinking about consolidating...

I have a confession to make.  I have two google accounts.  I have them by mistake.  I am not sure what happened when I started my blog originally, but my blogger account is different from the rest of my gmail account.  It is starting to get to me.  I may have to switch my blog over to one gmail account, just to make things easier.  I will keep you informed of where I go.  

I just want things to be easier.  Maybe I will sign up for NaComLeavWe after I switch.  I may be able to handle a week of heavy commenting.

My fourth of July weekend was fine.  It was a long day after two very long days at work, but I got to see my grandparents.  It was good to see them again.  I think they enjoyed seeing me, too.  As Hubby said as we were leaving, the police were not called and pretty much everyone left on speaking terms, so it was a successful family gathering.  Hubby and I head home to the 'Noke this morning with the big dogs.  It will be really good to be home.  We are not planning on doing much today.  I think we are grilling ribs and corn and watching the Daytona race tonight.  Hopefully our boys will do better this week than the past few weeks.  We have high hopes.

I hope everyone's fourth of July Weekend was a good one!

Long day

Work was really long today. I was scheduled a 10 hour day, but ended up working almost 12 hours because they did not have the staff to relieve me. I knew that would happen sooner or later. I was in an eye room, so we were not being fussed at. Almost all of our eye doctors are really nice. There were a lot of worse places I could have been, so I was willing to stay.
Now I just get to work tomorrow for 8 hours, and then I am off for the weekend. Yay!

On the IF front, I never did make that appointment for the ultrasound of the uterus. The RE likes to do it about 10 days after your period starts. Unfortunately, he is going on vacation the rest of July. So I need to call for an appointment when my period starts in August. Sigh. I guess it has waited this long, it can wait another cycle. Then I will start all of this injectable stuff in the fall. After being in school so long, fall always feels like a good time to start new things.

I am really looking forward to my long weekend. I think it will feel really good to have to have the day off. It will be good to see my family again, too. It has been a while since I have seen the Grandparents.

Show and Tell: My Mother Gave me the World

My show and tell this week is a picture my mother gave me when I went to college. It has hung everywhere I lived since then. I have not hung it in this house, yet, but I think it is going to go in my yellow room.



When I left for college, my mother said she wanted to give me the world, and so she did. I really like it, and I think about why she gave it to me whenever I look at it.

My mom is supportive of my IF journey, and I really appreciate her support. Sometimes I do have to be careful about how much I tell her, but I can be mostly open about what I am going through. I recently sent her a link to the Stirrup Queens site because she wanted to know more about the treatment I will be doing. Stirrup Queens is probably one of the best sites I have found for info and support. Who knows, maybe she will stumble onto my blog. She knows I have one, though I am not sure if she has read it. (Just in case she found it...Hi, Mom!)

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In other news, I sort of got the day off today. I was scheduled to work, but they had no cases for us to do, so they sent me home on call. I think that is really great, nice bonus to the weekend. So far, so good. I am only on call until 3 PM, so I do not have much time left. My aunt is in town this weekend, and wants to visit with me, so Hubby and I are having dinner with her this evening. I am looking forward to seeing her. It should be a nice time.

I am going up to Reston on the 4th of July for my Grandfather's birthday party. I need to get a present for him at some point this week. I also need to get my eyebrows done. They are looking sort of shaggy. I think I need to stop procrastinating and make an appointment for after work. I could use a pedicure, too. Maybe I should make a to-do list.

I think that is about it out here. Nice to have no news for a change.

Doctor stuff

Update on doctor stuff.

Here is my decision on Dr Sweetness vs Dr Random. In general, the division in GYN medicine is gyno/uro or obstetrics. If they do gyno/uro, they do not do a lot with babies. If they do babies, they do not do a lot of gyn surgery. As a result, at my work I see a lot of the gyno/uro docs, and not a lot of the baby docs. The baby docs have their own OR on a different floor. I sort of want to get to know the doctor who will be following my pregnancy, so I think I will stay with Dr Random. I know that office is good, and has a good reputation. I think I should get to know the baby docs, too.

My appointment with the RE was wonderful. Except they did not have our records from our Richmond doctor. We signed releases as we left, so hopefully they will have the records soon. We filled in what we remembered, but our memory is imperfect. We did the best we could. After hearing our history and examining me, the RE gave us a couple of options. He wants me to come in for a sonohysterogram next week. The lining of the uterus looked a little thick, and he wants to make sure there is not a fibroid or other abnormal reason for the thickness. After that, he said we could certainly think about donor sperm, but he suggested trying a couple rounds of IUI with injectables using Hubby's sperm. I think the chances of success increase a little bit with injectables. This is what Hubby wants to do before going to donor insemination. At least then we will know we tried everything. I am willing to go with it. I need to call to make the appointment for the sonohysterogram today. When I see Dr RE next, I may let him know we are going to try the injectables for a couple of months.

Does anyone have anything to share about your experiences with injectable medication? I would love to hear it.

Oh, I hate being flaky!

But this is important. I think I am going to have to change my yearly GYN exam for the third time.

Here is the situation: I have not seen an OB/GYN since I have moved to SW VA. I made an appointment with a randomly chosen doc, (we will call her Dr Random.) I had to change the appointment time once because of a work conflict. I work with GYN surgeons every day, so I have met a lot of OB/GYN docs. Some I liked, some I do not like. The problem is that my appointment for my yearly exam is with Dr Random. This doctor does not do gyn surgery, so I have not met her. I have worked with some of the other docs in Dr Random's group, and I love one of them (we will call her Dr Sweetness.) I think I want to change my appointment, again, so that I can see Dr Sweetness. But I am not sure if she delivers babies. I sort of want to start a relationship with a doc and keep it. I am really picky about my health care providers.
I have spent the past two years with inconsistent health care providers. I want some consistency. Is that so much to ask for?

What do you all think? Should I take the risk and change it to Dr Sweetness? Or should I keep the appointment with Dr Random? (I am sort of leaning toward switching the appointment to Dr Sweetness. From what I have seen, I think she is a fantastic doctor.)

Lazy days of summer

I am just feeling really lazy this week, so I do not have a lot to say. I am even too lazy to do Mel's Show and Tell. How sad is that. Things are just rolling along, though. Not really anything going on. I do have an IF appointment this Thursday. That is about it.

My mother recently got back from the beach, and she sent me an email with the link to the recent NYT article on IF. I think she did read the articles, though some of it must not have sunk in, because she still hit me with the tired old line, "If you adopt, you may get pregnant." I told her that is sort of offensive for women dealing with IF. I emailed her a link to PJ's blog. Hopefully she will look at that and understand a little more. I think the IF stuff sort of freaks her out. I would think she would be more understanding. She says she has friends who have done IVF, and dealt with infertility. She tries. At least she tries. But I still think she does not understand. Sometimes I feel like she ignores whatever does not fit in her reality.

Hubby and I went to a movie this past weekend. I think it has been over a year since we saw a movie in the movie theater. We saw "Iron Man." It is a wonderful movie, and I highly recommend it. Robert Downey, Jr is pretty cute. It made a nice escape from reality for a while.

Maybe I will have more to say tomorrow...

I think I am happy.

I love what I do. I love being a nurse in the OR, and I love doing GYN surgery. I have been very happy this past week or two because what I do is very rewarding to me. I am beginning to realize that I am good at what I do. I know there is a lot I need to learn to become an expert in the field, but I am enjoying learning it. It almost feels too good to be true. I am starting to wonder when I am going to come crashing down. I guess I should enjoy it while it lasts and worry about coming down later.

I have been off of orientation for a couple of weeks and I am still getting used to being on my own. I suspect it will take me six months to a year to truly feel comfortable. Right now it is difficult for me to sit back and relax while I am circulating. I think it will come with time, and I probably need to chill out. All I can say is that I am trying.

I am almost done with Gertrude’s obedience class, and I have sent in her application for agility. I am sort of excited about it. I hope the agility will be more playful than the obedience. I have a hard time being playful with the obedience stuff, for some reason. I went to watch some agility trials last weekend, and it looked like fun. (Despite the heat.) The obstacles looked so happy and brightly colored. People seemed to be having a good time,

Oscar is doing well. He continues to get better every day. He has no problems jumping up on our Rice bed at night. I think the effort wears him out, though. He still gets a head tilt if he gets tired and he wears out pretty easily. But he is getting stronger every day, and I think he is happy to be home. We are happy to have him home.

My IF appointment is next Thursday. I hope it goes well. I almost hope the doctor is running late. Likely I will be running late, and that would put us on similar schedules. Hubby said he could make it, and I think he has blocked off the afternoon on his calendar. It is not a day I am on call or late, so I should be able to get out on time, provided all goes well.

Good News, Bad News

I wanted to show off our miracle dog. For those who have not been following along, our Great Dane Oscar got really sick the Thursday before last. We are not talking about a little vomiting. We are talking about a stoic dog who is whining, has a head tilt, cannot walk, and when he tries to walk, he cannot walk in a straight line. I was really scared for my dog. This is a young dog who before this was happy and (I thought) relatively healthy. We ended up taking him to VA Tech's veterinary school. Our boy was in the ICU for over a week. One of the first tests they did was a thyroid test. I could not believe it, but Oscar's thyroid level came back almost zero. Once they started him on thyroid medicine, his neuro symptoms started to resolve. Oscar is finally back at home. He is still really weak, and he stumbles when he gets tired. We are not pushing him to do a lot, other than heal.

I knew he was on the mend when I saw this...




Oscar got up on the bed all by himself. He was very proud of himself. We will see if it happens tonight. I miss having him next to me when I am going to sleep at night. Hubby and I are both grateful he is still with us. I think he is happy to be home.

*******************************************

In other news, I am officially off of orientation at work. Unfortunately that means that I have to work big girl hours. I am scheduled for overtime and a weekend day and call. Unfortunately, my schedule conflicts with both of my doctor's appointments. One of the disadvantages of being in a high demand career is that they always need you to work. I think I am going to have to schedule my GYN exam about a month and a half in advance, just to make sure I can get off to make it. New patients always have to come in by 2:00 PM. That is not fun, especially if you cannot get off of work. For the IF doc, I have to schedule it late in the day, and Hubby may not be able to come with me. He has gotten a lot busier with his practice. On the other hand, it will allow more time for my records from my Richmond RE to get there.

I just have to keep in mind that things will work out the way they should. Now that I know my schedule, I can make appointments I am likely to keep. Patience is not one of my better virtues.

Just silliness...

This gave me a giggle this morning. I had to share.



more cat pictures


Maybe I should not blog before I have my coffee...

Finally Friday!

Yay! The weekend is here. I cannot believe I made it! The good news is that Oscar gets to come home today. Hubby is picking him up from VA Tech right now and bringing him home. It will be good to have him home again. All of us missed him.

Apparently I am off of orientation. I know this because I was not called in to the orientation meeting this Friday. Sigh. So much for those days. Now they can work me to death. I have been doing GYN surgery all week long, and I have been really happy. I love it. And they seem happy to have me, too. I think it is a good match. For the next block, I was scheduled a little bit of overtime, and some call. I think I am working big girl hours now. At least it is days. Thank goodness! The overtime will help bring in a nice paycheck. it actually feels good to be happy at my job. I wonder how long it will last.

Hubby and I are having a date night tonight, I think. We may go to Annie Moore's Irish Pub and have a pint and some dinner. Maybe I can talk him into going to the Barnes and Noble afterward. (Not exactly painting the town, but it is all we are usually up for on Fridays.)

I hope everyone has a god weekend!

Really tired...

I have been circulating GYN cases on my own all week. I enjoy the work, but it has me a little stressed out. It is a lot of responsibility running a room. I need to find a way to work out on a regular basis. That usually helps to keep the stress at bay. It is not like I have much of an excuse. I have a treadmill in my house. I just need to do it.

Oscar is doing better. They started him on food again, and he is doing really well. He has not aspirated at all. He is doing great on the thyroid medication. We are hoping he can finally come home tomorrow. I really miss him.

I feel bad because I have not commented today. I just feel like I am not very coherent right now, and I hate posting stuff which may come across as not very nice. (It probably happens, but I try to avoid it.) I am reading, but not commenting.

I am off to bed. I have to circulate in the Clinic room tomorrow, and I need my rest. That room is a zoo. The MD, two residents, and three medical students. I may have a sign in sheet just to keep track of everyone. Keeping track of doctors is like herding cats.

Show n Tell n Stuff

I am finally getting around to doing my show and tell. My show and tell this week is a story about a room of my own.

When we bought the house we live in now, the previous owners had painted all the rooms very dark colors. They may have liked living in a cave, but my personal preference is for much lighter colors. I guess somewhere along the way the previous owners wanted a room which was brighter than the others, so they painted one room red.

It looked like this:


The color through the computer does not do it justice, I think. The room glowed red whenever you turned on the overhead light. It was very garish. The color made me angry just going in the room. I could not function in there, and I could not get past the red. I finally took a weekend a put a couple coats of primer on the walls until I could figure out what color I wanted to paint it.

The next weekend I went to Lowe's to buy paint. I decided on yellow because yellow is my favorite color and makes me very happy. They did not have the exact color I wanted, but I decided to take a risk and try a color which looked close.

Here is what the room looks like now:



This is also where I do all my internet surfing and stuff. I love having a laptop. The bed is from my paternal grandmother. I free hand painted the vine border around the top. I have always wanted to do a vine. I love the organic feel of it. In case you are wondering, the yellow is one of the American Heritage colors from Lowe's. It is Grand Hotel Awning Yellow. Just a wonderful, happy color. I found the American Heritage colors are usually excellent. I have not gone wrong choosing any of them.

*********In Other News**********

I started my period today. Sigh. The first day is always a mess, and of course it would happen on a day my job skills are put to the test. Thank goodness someone else gets to launder my scrubs. One of the benefits to working in the OR. My job skills were put to the test today because I circulated in a room by myself with a fairly particular surgeon. The day actually went really well. The surgeon was still smiling at the end of the day, and everyone seemed to have a smile on their face. I think I am going to end up in his rooms again. I sometimes feel like I am hosting a party when I circulate. I am trying to make sure everyone has everything they need to make them happy. I was also doing GYN surgery which makes me very happy.

Getting my period did cause me to reschedule my OB/GYN appointment. From what I can tell, I think I have a good OB/GYN office. At least that is what I could gather from the very small sample of people I polled.

My appointment with the IF doc is next week. Hubby has even put it on his calendar. What a sweetheart. We are in this together.

Oscar is on the mend, though still in the doggie ICU. He still has the megaesophagus. They started him on wet food and oral thyroid medication today. They are watching for any trouble swallowing. He aspirated a little yesterday, but they caught it quickly and started him on antibiotics. He has not gotten any worse or better since they started him on food, so they are just going to watch him for right now. I think they are going to start him on dry food tomorrow. His neuro symptoms have almost all cleared up. I am hoping we will get him home soon.

Another tag...

I have been tagged again for another meme. This one is different, and I am posting a few days after I got tagged. I have to write a six word memoir.

The meme originated over an idea that was prompted by the book written by Larry Smith & Rachel Fershleiser, Not Quite What I Was Planning: Six Word Memoirs by Writers Famous & Obscure. It's a compliation based on the story that Hemingway once bet ten dollars that he could sum up his life in six words. His words were, "For Sale: Baby Shoes, Never Worn."

1. Write your own six word memoir.

2. Post it to your blog including a visual illustration if you would like.

3. Link to the person who tagged you in your post and to this original post. Trace at One Hardy Swimmer tagged me.

4. Tag 5 more blogs with links

5. Don't forget to leave a comment in the tagged blogs with an invitation to play.

My six word memoir:

Teaching, learning, nursing, I create love.

The five people I tagged
1. Breathe Through It..
2. The Life and Times of Me!
3. Years in the Making
4. Cupcakes and Conundrums
5. (Un)complicate Me


Oscar is doing better. He si actually getting up to go to the bathroom now. We are going to visit him tonight.
Show and Tell coming soon. Hubby left the camera at his office, so I have to wait until we pick it up before I can do my show and tell.

More tomorrow....

Update on Oscar

Oscar is doing well in the doggie ICU at VA Tech. He walked around some today, though he was not very steady. Apparently they checked his thyroid this morning and it came back almost zero. They started him on injectable thyroid medication. The vet said they should see an improvement fairly quickly. The funny thing was that the vet hospital does not stock the injectable thyroid med, so they had to go to the local human hospital for it. I told the vet that she probably needed a human size dose, anyway. She said he did need a lot. They did not do the MRI because the thyroid problem could cause a lot of his symptoms. They are keeping him over the weekend as they start him on the thyroid med. The vet seemed optimistic that this was the answer. I hope so.

Stressful day

Stressful day, and I still have a long way to go.

Oscar, our male Dane is currently in the hospital. This morning he started whining and curling around himself. He is not a big whiner, so when he does whine, you know something is wrong. Hubby had already left for the day when Oscar started complaining. He would not get up. I took him to the vet with the help of a neighbor. The vet ran as many tests as they could. His lab work was normal, but his EKG came back abnormal. Also his neuro status was a major concern. They sent us to VA Tech’s vet hospital. I have never been there before, so it was an experience. They did a very through history and physical, and then did a thorough neuro exam. Apparently the injury is to his inner ear, though they are also concerned about the cardiac issues. I had to leave him in the ICU overnight. If I did not have to work tonight, I think it would kill me. I have to work a 12 hour shift tonight. I hope it goes smoothly, but you never know what will come through the door of a level 1 trauma center. At the rate my day has been going, we may get traumas all night long.

There just seems to be a lot of bad mojo out there right now.

Tag, I'm It!

I cannot believe I have been tagged for a meme. Katie from A View From the Hill tagged me, How cool!

The rules of the game get posted at the beginning. Each player answers the questions about themselves. At the end of the post, the player then tags 5-6 people and posts their names, then go to their blogs and leaves them a comment, letting them know they’ve been tagged and asking them to read your blog.

1. What was I doing ten years ago?
I was graduating from graduate school in Mississippi, and moving back to Virginia. The graduate degree was an MCS in Microbiology from the University of Mississippi Medical Center. Sounds all prestigious, but it is not, really. The degree was mainly collecting credits with a little bit of research thrown in. My micro degree is one of the things I am proud of, though. I did it, and I have the diploma on my wall. And it usually impresses employers when I interview.

2. Five things on my to do list for today.
Fold clothes (done), train dogs x2 (1x done), eye appointment at 2 pm (done), meet with HVAC guy at house around lunch (done), go to store (done, though I did not get everything I should have, oh well)

3. Snacks I enjoy
Red wine and chocolate chip cookies, strawberries, most things chocolate.

4. Things I would do if I was a billionaire.
Pay off my student loans, our credit cards, our mortgage. Buy a house on 20 acres just outside of Radford or Christiansburg. VA. Obtain a whole herd of Great Danes, because they are the best dogs ever! I love what I do, so I might not stop working completely, but I might go part time, or I might teach.

5. Places I have lived
I grew up in Alexandria, VA. Went to college in Roanoke, VA, went to graduate school in Jackson, MS, Lived in Roanoke after moving back from Jackson, and then lived in Radford, VA for five years. Hubby got a job on the Northern Neck, so I followed him to Tappahannock, VA. We recently moved back to Roanoke. I was miserable in Tappahannock, and finally just had to leave. Thank goodness we are back in Roanoke. I feel like I came home.

6. People I want to know more about.
I think I am going to follow Katie's lead and pick the people whose blog I have commented on

1. "Just" a Stay at Home Wife
2, Infertility on the Brain!
3. Life in the White House
4. Postcards From the Edge
5. Speculum Stories

The scary thing is that I had so many blogs on my reader to choose from. These are only a few. NaComLeavMo has expanded my subscription set.

Show and Tell

My show and tell this week is a little silly. I am letting you in on one of my minor addictions.

I am showing y’all my favorite NASCAR driver. I bet y’all did not know that I am a NASCAR fan. (Despite the fact I was born and raised in Northern Virginia.) Hubby and I followed NASCAR for years, and we always rooted for Jeff Burton.

We started watching NASCAR when we lived in Mississippi because we were homesick for Virginia. Several of the races are in Virginia. We wanted to choose a Virginia driver. (Did I mention we were homesick.) Jeff Burton is from South Boston, Virginia. Perfect. And I he was doing all right in the points that year (1994). This year, Jeff Burton is kicking ass, at least in the points standings. He could really use another win, but so could everyone else. Jeff B. does well at Dover, so he could get a win this week.

What is really fun about it now is that my parents are into it. They read St Dale by Sharyn McCrumb, and they have been hooked ever since. We even took them to a race at Martinsville. Martinsville is our favorite track, so it was a great day.

Whe Hubby's Away...

Hubby goes and visits his mother this weekend, and frankly, I could not be happier for the break. I have a full weekend doing all the things he does not want to do with me. I plan on taking dogs to play group (or “Yappy Hour” as the dog park calls it.) I have a hair appointment this morning as well. This afternoon I plan on going to the Lebanese festival for lunch. I may go by Lowes and pick up some paint. This evening I may go see a movie, either by myself or with a friend. We will see what works out. I may also clean. The house is a mess, and I do better if the house is clean.

Sunday I plan on doing my grocery shopping and going to meeting. I may finish painting the red room yellow while listening to the NASCAR race. Hopefully Hubby will not mind moving furniture when he gets back. I can let that go for right now, though.

Hubby has been grumpy the past day or so. His mother has a lot of health problems and she is not doing well right now. I think it is hard for Hubby to see that because he cannot do anything about it. Even if we were still in Tappahannock, we would not be able to do anything. I hope he will feel better after the visit I do not know what to tell him. His mother has to live her life, and she is not going to change easily. I understand that, and I get to listen to all of her health problems. She talks about her health issues more freely with me than with Wade. I think it has something to do with me being a nurse.

In other news,
I finally made an appointment with an IF MD. I see him on June 18. Hopefully we can talk DI and maybe attempt a cycle during the next few months. I also have a GYN appointment next week. And I made an eye appointment. Gotta take care of my vision.

I had to declare my specialties at work. I decided to do eyes, GYN, and general. I love doing eyes because it is so different. There is a lot going on under the anatomy. I also feel pulled to GYN surgery. I know this puts me right in the middle of IF/pg loss, but I really feel drawn to it. Fortunately we just do GYN. OB has a separate OR on the L and D floor. So just GYN surgery: hysteroscopies, D&Cs, ablations, hysterectomies (laparoscopic and open, vaginal and abdominal), exploratory laps, and any other procedure dealing with the girly parts. I am a little girly myself, so I think it works.

(And how cool is it that my blog was mentioned on Stirrup Queens. I feel so special, and all the comments are wonderful!)

Feeling it

I have really been feeling the infertility thing lately. After the baby at meeting on Sunday, I went to a baseball game with friends. Our friends brought along their 11 month old. Of course, they spent a little time talking about how much he is walking and what his first words were. Yet another reminder that I am not part of the mommy club.

It did not help that I have a hard time relating to them right now anyway. I do not have a lot in common with this couple. Hubby has more in common with them than I do. Hubby met the wife through his last job. Hubby and the wife are both lawyers. The husband is planning on going to law school and is currently working as a paralegal. It is worlds away from what I do, and who I am. I am not a mommy and I am not a lawyer. I work in the OR as an RN. I enjoy what I do, but I understand that not everyone wants to hear about the details from the surgery I circulated yesterday.

The wife is really nice, and I think really wants to make friends with me, but I was not in the mood to be very accommodating. I smiled, I was polite, and I enjoyed the game. Hubby and the wife talked shop. I think she had a good time, but I was really going because Hubby wanted to go. It was a beautiful day for a game, and we had seats right behind home plate. It was very nice to sit outside and enjoy the weather.

Show and Tell

This is a chicken I picked up on vacation a couple of years ago. We were vacationing in Tuscon, AZ, and we took a day trip to Tombstone. I found this chicken in one of the gift shops up there. They had a whole lot of these, in different shapes and sizes. Apparently, they are made by the local Navajo Indian tribe. I thought that was really neat. Something about the chicken just spoke to me. Looking at this little chicken reminds me of the great time we had in Arizona. And now I have a small piece of Navajo art in Virginia.

I have only recently gotten into chickens. I am not sure why. Chickens strike me as cute and funny for some reason. They are not the brightest animals in the barn, but that is all right. I am a few cards shy of a whole deck, myself.
I try to not think too much about it and just enjoy the chickens for what they are.

Meeting Baby

Sunday meeting is usually pretty restful. Quaker meetings are usually silent, and the comments people are moved to make are thought provoking. For me, none of that happened this week because there was an infant at meeting today. The child did what any infant would do and babbled and silently played the whole time. It brought back everything I was trying to avoid, and reminded me of what I do not have. It was painful. I could feel myself tensing up and I had to remind myself to relax. Once or twice during the meeting I just wanted to leave. But the time during meeting is my personal time, and I did not want to leave, so I stuck it out.

As I was sitting, I realized that I am not without hope. Hubby and I are likely to try DIUI, probably within the next six months. My time will come, I hope. Though the child I bear will not be of Hubby's line. That made me sad. It also reminded me I need to make a GYN appointment this week for my yearly exam. Living in a new area, and I have to find new docs. Gotta start somewhere.

Had to share my feelings...

Show and Tell coming soon...

Settling in

Not much to say right now. Work is going fine. I have moved on to my neuro rotation now. I find I miss the pathophysiology I saw with general, eyes, and GYN. Eventually I will be back there, I think. I have about a month left of my orientation. I think it will be nice to be able to settle into a specialty and get to know the surgeons and procedures.

The move went smoothly and we are settling into the new house well. I want to paint a room and rearrange some furniture this weekend. I think Hubby may be willing to help me. We have this horribly red room. The red is almost orange, and the color is just awful. I just want to put up a primer coat of paint so that we can use it. Eventually I will get around to painting the room a color I like, but I have to get rid of that red first.

Dogs are doing well. Gertrude and I have had one obedience class. I think it went well. She was a lot better behaved than many of the other dog there. I think we do a lot of training with our dogs, in general. Gertrude was also older than many of the other dogs, so she was a lot calmer. I think the class will be good for both Gertrude and I. Oscar may benefit, as well because he is getting some training, too.

Show and Tell

I feel like I do not know what bring to Show and Tell, so I am posting some pictures of my current family.

I have two big dogs, and both have hearts that are just as big as they are. I got my first Dane the year I entered nursing school. Gertrude is in the first picture. She takes herself very seriously. She almost does not think she is a dog. I think it must be like pet, like owner. I have a tendency to take myself too seriously, too. She is my dog, and my baby. She is also the smaller of the two. I love her to pieces.

The picture on the bottom shows both my boys. Hubby was trying to sleep, and Oscar wanted to sleep on the same spot on the couch. Oscar does think he is a lap dog and is constantly trying to get in your lap. He is not at all discouraged by the fact he does not fit. Oscar loves everyone. He thinks everyone wants to come and see him and fuss over him. It does not help that many people want to do just that. Oscar is still intact, but he is the biggest teddy bear you will come across. No major problems with aggression at all. I think Hubby enjoys having another set of balls around the house, so we never got him neutered.

Hubby and I have been married for about 12 years now. We dated for four years before we married, so we have known each other a long time. Hubby helps keep me sane. I tend toward crazy sometimes, and Hubby keeps me in line. We support each other. I supported Hubby when he went to law school, he supported me when I did nursing school. I love the fact that we respect each other's individuality. We are married, but we are still our own person within the marriage. I think that is pretty special.

New house, mixed feelings

We have finally moved. We moved over Mother’s day weekend, so I got to miss all of that mommy stuff. I finally unpacked my china this past weekend. It felt really good. The sink in the new house has a garbage disposal. It has been years since I had a garbage disposal. I love it! There are a couple of problems with the new house, though. The house does not have a fence, and the colors on the interior of the house are too dark. I like the colors, but the tones are too dark for my taste. We also have this horridly red room. This red is just terrible. It is almost orange. I may have to paint over it really soon. (At least a primer coat.) Until I can paint it, I think I am trying to avoid it the best I can. Hubby is working on the fence, He finally called for an estimate today, and hopefully someone will come out to give us an estimate by the end of the week.

I feel really disconnected from infertility stuff lately. I think it is because we are not pursuing anything right now. I have been reading some other IF blogs, and many of them deal with IVF. I do not think we are going to do IVF, so I have a hard time relating to that. The child-free blogs I sort of identify with because we do not have children, and there is not really a possibility of children right now. We are not doing donor eggs, and the donor sperm blogs are not easy to find. (I know they are out there, but I have not come across many of them.)

I am starting to feel like I am being left behind. I am thirty-four and our family consists of Hubby, me, our two Danes, and two cats. I feel like the stereo typical infertile who takes out all the mothering desires on our animals. Our Danes are our babies right now. That is all I have to mother. I am even taking one of our Danes to an obedience class this week. I want to do agility with her and we need to brush up on our obedience training. I think it is good to have extracurricular activities.

I am tired of waiting. That seems to be all I can do with the IF stuff right now. I am tired of feeling like I am the only married woman without children. I am tired of always getting my period and never being pregnant. I am tired of other people telling me about their children, and all I have to talk about is my dogs. Somehow it is not the same.

I wanted to have children by now. As things stand now, with the best case scenario, I will be a new mother when I am thirty five or thirty six. That is a decade after when I expected to be a mother. It is more difficult to get pregnant the older you get. After thirty five, fertility declines sharply. After 35, you end up in the high risk pregnancy category simply because of age. I feel like I missed my prime fertility years because I was always waiting for something else to happen, or waiting for it to happen naturally. Now I have to wait until the time is right to pursue fertility treatment. (When I think about all the money I wasted on birth control pills…)
Until someday comes, I distract myself the best I can.

Moving On

I am taking some time in the calm before the storm. I cannot believe we will actually be moving next weekend. We started packing today and it started to feel real to me. I get to do a walk through the new house on Monday. I am very excited. I plan on measuring for a fridge while I am there. Hubby promised to replace the fridge I gave up from the Tappahannock house. We close on Wednesday, as far as we know. I think we may end up taking a few loads of more fragile things over on Thursday and Friday. The movers come Saturday at 8 AM. It will be nice not to have to do any of the manual labor on this move.

Hubby surprised me this weekend. Apparently, he mentioned our infertility situation to his dad. Hubby said his dad seemed excited about the possibility of our child, no matter the source. Hubby said his dad may be willing to help us financially, if we need it. I think it made Hubby feel better about our options for starting a family. Right now, Hubby is trying to figure out how much time and energy he wants to put into starting a family. He knows about IVF with ICSI, but he is not sure if he wants to put that much time and energy and money into starting a family. It is also not a sure thing. I think the only reason we would try IVF is if he decides that having his own child is very important to him. He has no problems with adoption, but he deals with social services every day with his job. He says he does not want to deal with them on his off time, too. I am willing to go along with that. I think he knows more about that process than I do. He does guardian ad lidem cases at work. Hubby is also looking at donor insemination. He says he is open to adoption, where the child is not his DNA, so he feels like there should not be an issue with donor insemination for the same reasons. I sort of get the feeling he is still wrestling with the idea. I am trying to give him the space he needs to deal with all of this. We also have a lot of other things going, so it is easy for me not to pester him all the time.

There is hope out there for me. Things seem to be brighter every day.

Musings....

I really do not know what to say this week, so here are a few random thoughts… I apologize for the disjointed composition.

I just finished cleaning my house, and I have to say that I really like my Dyson Vacuum. We have a lot of animals, and this vacuum gets up a whole lot of pet hair. I love the fact that it is easy to use. The user manual shows you how to take the whole thing apart and clean it. Very cool. A vacuum that actually works.

Scrubbing ortho cases is very different than anything I have done before. You have to work differently and think differently. I am trying to get it, because I have to know it, but I think I am a general girl at heart, and miss general surgery. Then there are the power tools. I do not know what to think about that.

I started AF today. Just spotting right now, but I know the full flow is on its way. I may start the Midol tonight so that hopefully I can stay on top of the cramps. I just have a day or two of really bad cramping at the start of the period, but that is all. I did not get as depressed as I usually do around my period. I am not sure why. Maybe it is the fact that we are moving in a week, and that is more on my mind than my fertility, or lack thereof.

I just realized we are moving in a week. I think this means we need to start packing. I saved boxes from when we moved from Tappahannock, but I am afraid we may need more. I guess we will see. We hired movers this time. So all we have to do is pack everything, and they will do the rest. That should be really nice. I may take the dogs to playgroup in the morning so that the movers can get started, at least, without big dogs getting in the way. I am really excited to finally settle.

I realized this week that I love living in the mountains. I love looking up and seeing mountains around me. I think it makes me feel safe. I love the area we are living in. There is stuff to do, things to get involved in. I love it. I am happier out here than I ever was in Tappahannock. It feels good.

Pediatric surgery

This past week I circulated pediatric cases in the OR. For some reason, it surprised me how much surgery is done on children as the result of premature birth. Preemies are very tiny, and very fragile. It made me nervous. I think it makes everyone in the OR a little nervous. When a baby goes down, it can happen quickly, and without a lot of warning. Not a good feeling. Some things are done differently with premature babies and infants, to help them get through the surgery. The room has to be kept warm because babies lose heat very quickly. And everything is tiny. Instruments need to be scaled down to fit the baby’s anatomy.

I feel a lot more comfortable working with adults. Even the really sick patients. Give me a nice bloody abdominal case, an adult laparoscopic case, or an eye case, and I am fine. No problems. I love those cases. For me, those are sort of fun. But put me in a room where they are operating on a baby, and I get grumpy. I just do not want to deal with it. I know I will have to, at least sometimes. I will eventually take call, and our hospital gets pediatric cases and even pediatric traumas. I know I will have to work on those cases if I am assigned to them. When I am in those cases, I want do the best I can to make the case go smoothly, and hopefully have a good outcome.

Do not get me wrong. I like children. At one time, I even considered going into peds nursing. But children in the OR are a whole different ball game. For me, it is a lot easier to see a sick child on the floor, than it is to see a child in the OR. I want to see them whine and complain and cry because they feel miserable. Most of the time in the OR we work with the child while they are asleep. When we take them to PACU, they are usually still asleep. We may need to call the parents to let them know what is happening in the OR, if the case is really long. Parents are usually worried about their children, and not at their best.

Maybe I am just jealous. I felt surrounded by babies and mothers this week. It felt like everyone I worked with on these peds cases had children, or they were pregnant. I felt out of place, like I was imposing. I do not have children, and there feels like no possibility of children or babies, at least in the near future. It felt awkward handling babies this past week. I have not had a lot of experience holding children, and we would usually carry the babies into the OR. My infertility was very apparent to me during those moments. I want a baby of my own, but I am unable to have one. I found that caring for other people’s children does not give me a lot of comfort, and only makes my childlessness more apparent, at least to me.

Next week I do not have to deal with children. I am off on different adventure in OR land. I start my ortho rotation. I get to learn about operating on bones and joints. I am trying to keep an open mind, but it can be difficult. My previous experiences with ortho were not good. I also like my pathophysiology. I think you see more of that in the general cases. Ortho seems to be mostly repairing structure, using a lot of tools. We will see what happens.

Losing It...

I had a breakdown on Friday. I think there is no other word for it. I came home from work and all I could do was cry. I tried to do a blog entry on what I was feeling, but I was incoherent. I could barely put two words together, or even see the computer screen through my tears.

I do not know what set me off. Maybe it was the fact I had my period that day. Maybe it was seeing the crowd around the baby set me off. Maybe it is the fact I turn 34 in a couple of weeks, and I feel my biological clock ticking. Maybe it was fatigue. I do not know. All I know is that I had to come home and cry because I felt the lack of a child so keenly.

I just feel empty and hopeless right now. I feel like I may never get the experience of holding my own child. I may never experience childbirth. I may never get to raise a child of my own. I may never get to be a parent at all. All of that seemed to hit me on Friday.

I know that Hubby and I cannot get pregnant without medical help. I understand this. I know that we need $20,000 just to have a shot at getting pregnant with his DNA, and that is not possible at this point. We do not have the money or the resources. From where I am sitting right now, I feel like we may never get the money to have our chance at getting pregnant with our child. It may take us about a decade to get to a point where we feel comfortable gambling with that much money. I will be in my 40s at that point. Seems a little late, but who knows? Not sure how I feel about trying for a child at that age. Not something that was even on my radar screen. (Not that infertility was in my life plan, either. I think I got screwed.)

I think I realized on Friday that we are not going to do IVF. At least not right now, and probably never. That means that we may not ever have a child with Hubby’s DNA. That upsets me. When you love someone enough to marry them, I feel like having a child with them is an extension of that love. I know we will love any child who becomes a part of our family, no matter the source. But right now I am mourning the loss of a child from the two of us.

Hubby has a hard time talking about infertility stuff because he feels most of the problem right now is the male factor. I think he is just starting to work through how it feels to be infertile, and he does not want to talk about it because it makes him feel bad. Men seem to like avoiding unpleasant subjects. I have had a little longer to deal with being infertile, but I still get upset about it. We did discuss infertility for a little bit on Friday. It sometimes feels like it is the elephant in the room with us. We both know it is there, but no one wants to acknowledge it. We talked about how we could not afford IVF, and how it means that we would hot have a child with his genetic legacy. He is still working through how he feels about donor sperm. I think he feels better about donor sperm than adoption. He said with donor sperm, at least the child would be mine. We both agreed that now is not the time to pursue it. Maybe in the fall, when we are a bit more settled, we can look into it. Until then, we can mourn the loss of conceiving our child.

Opening Up

I have been thinking about reactions to infertility. I am in a new place, and people are curious about me. The first questions they ask are, “Are you married” and, “Do you have children?” This is especially true if the person asking is female. I am all right with the married part. I am married, and Hubby and I are very happy. The question about children bothers me. I usually will distract the asker with my dogs. (People always seem to have questions about Great Danes.) Recently I started telling people we are infertile. I am sort of tired of hiding it and feeling uncomfortable about the fact that I am infertile. Why not tell people? I have lived with this for a long time. If it makes people uncomfortable, so be it.
What I have found, so far, is that the other person will usually tell me a story about someone else they knew who dealt with infertility. The conversation sort of dies after that. It is like the people who have children can only talk about children. If you are not part of that club, then you are out in the cold. There seems to be nothing else to talk about if you do not have children. I think it is a sign of how focused our society is on family. It is very frustrating if you are childless. People do not seem to know what to do with you.

I guess infertility is outside the norm, and because it is outside the norm, some people have a hard time dealing with it. I think we maybe getting better at it. No one that I have come across has rejected me or treated me differently because I do not have children. (I think.) Infertility treatment is becoming more common, too. I think we have at least one doc at our hospital who deals with infertility patients. (No RE in Roanoke, unfortunately.) During a procedure I was assisting with, the doc got a page about a patient who was in ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome (OHSS). The nurse I was with asked what it was, and I knew, so I told her. She seemed surprised I knew what it was. She asked if I had ever worked in OB nursing. I told her I had never worked in OB nursing, but I was infertile. It seemed natural for me to know about OHSS because I am thinking about IVF, and I like to understand the procedure and the possible effects of treatment.

I suspect infertility treatment is more common now, and slowly attitudes are changing. Most of the people I have told have been understanding. But I have mostly only told other OR nurses and my Quaker friends. Time will tell how things turn out. It feels good to be honest about being infertile, for the most part. I still get uncomfortable with too much baby talk, and I am not going to attend baby showers any time soon. Hopefully by being honest about my infertility people will understand why I am not comfortable around babies and baby talk.

Spring has Sprung

I think spring has sprung. The weather is beautiful. It just feels like spring. The following post is randomish thoughts on spring and Easter. I tried to make it as coherent as possible.

Spring is sort of weird for me. I love the renewal, the new growth. But, my birthday is in April, so spring means that another year of my life has passed. Another year of living with infertility. Spring should be a time of hope and new life, but for us there is no hope of new life within our family. The coming of spring is now bittersweet for me because of my infertility. It makes me feel empty and sad
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Waiting is harder in spring. In winter it was all right to be dormant, and waiting for things to happen. Things start to grow in the spring. It is a beginning. In meeting this morning, someone mentioned that March used to be the first month of the year. To an agrarian society, this makes sense. The farmer can start farming again as the weather warms up. In an agrarian society, fertility and growth are very important. March is a time for beginnings

Easter comes along in spring. I am always surprised at how difficult Easter is for me. I guess it should not be too surprising. There is a celebration of youth and mothers and fertility. I have started wanting to skip Easter celebrations and services because there is the large focus on children and family. I get tired of feeling left out, of having in-laws shove babies at me, of feeling jealous because they have what I want so badly.

To me, there seem to be two parts to Easter. There is the Easter the Church celebrates, and there is the Easter people celebrate outside of church. The church celebrates Christ dying for us, suffering for us, thus allowing all of our sins to be forgiven. (I grew up Presbyterian, so there is a likely a Calvinist slant to this.) We take communion to remind us of that promise and Christ’s love for us. I like this part of it. To know no matter what I do, I will be loved. Taking communion and the rituals involved in celebrating the resurrection are meaningful to me.

The other part of Easter celebrations centers around fertility, family and new growth. I think I read somewhere that the church took over a pagan celebration of fertility. (The church took over many pagan celebrations, and just put their rituals over top of the pagan ones. If you can’t beat them, join them.) The focus on fertility could be why there is such a big focus on babies, young children, and mothers on Easter. This is the part that is difficult for me. I really want to be a part of this, but I cannot. I want to be a mother, with a child, and celebrate Easter fully. Thanks to whatever higher power is up there, that is not possible right now, and I think only a miracle will make it possible in the near future. As far as I can tell, miracles are hard to come by for me. As I see it, until we can afford IVF, there is no hope for any kind of miracle at all.

Spring is here and I am tired of waiting. I know I should try to be patient, because we have a lot of things going on. Adding IVF to that would be even more stress. Hubby’s practice is not even off the ground, we have not closed on our house in Tappahannock, we have not bought a house here in Roanoke. I have only been in my job a month. This is a transitional time for us. I understand that. But I really want a family. I have been infertile for a little under a decade. It hurts knowing that we do not have hope of getting pregnant this spring. I cannot do anything other than wait. I just feel like I have been waiting a long time.

Mostly Smooth Sailing

I meant to post this over the weekend, and got sidetracked. I think I have PMS. It is about the right time, and I have the usual symptoms; crabbiness, bloating, chocolate cravings. I fly off the handle at the slightest thing lately.

Things seem to be going smoothly, for the most part.

We finally sold our house. It sold for lower than we wanted, but it did sell. Thank goodness. Now we have one less payment to worry about. We are waiting on a settlement date, though. Hopefully we will know something soon.

Hubby’s practice is going well, and taking off slowly. He has started making the rounds of the courts and local lawyers for the past week, and he already has about five cases. They are all court appointed or pro bono, but you have to start somewhere. I think that is a good sign. He has one client from Tappahannock who wanted to keep him on, and they are paying him. That is also kind of neat, I think. Heis doing a lot of juvenile cases. He has experience doing juvie stuff, and has also done guardian ad lidem cases. Most of the courts in the area are really happy about that. He is thinking of getting into bankruptcy law, as well. Apparently there is only one other lawyer in the New River Valley who does bankruptcy law. It all seems to be going well.

I am finally learning everything I need to do to do my job. As an OR nurse, I need to be able to scrub and circulate. I have been sent hither and yon to see how things were done at this hospital. It is sort of neat. It gave me an idea of the big picture and I think it will help me as a circulator and a scrub. I finally got to start scrubbing Friday. I reviewed some info on scrubbing this weekend. I usually am reluctant to do pre-reading, but I think I needed to in this case. It will help me learn it faster and hopefully do a better job. I also need to get a notebook for cheat sheets and other useful info. As I work with all the different surgeons, I can learn how they do things and what equipment they will need. I understand a lot of this information in theory, but it always seems different when you do it in practice. Today I scrubbed in on hernia repairs all day. I sort of get it. If I could get past my nervousness, I would probably do better. I am new, and I will get better with time.

It is sort of funny. I am really excited about learning to scrub. It is a skill I know I need to do my job. But I really do not like being bad at things. I am a bit of a perfectionist, and anal to boot. If it is bad or wrong I do not like it. As I start to learn, I will make mistakes, and I need to accept than. I do not have to like it, but I can accept it and learn from it. It will likely help me learn faster if I learn from my mistakes.

I attended a Quaker meeting on Sunday, and one of the women in the group talked about being comfortable with uncertainty. I have a lot of that right now. I never know what the next day will bring. I need to be open to anything. That is tough for me. I like to anticipate what will happen and plan for it. I am trying to be open to uncertainty. It is pretty scary.

In other news…
Our boy dog has been having trouble going down stairs. Hubby took him to the vet, and the vet thinks it may be early onset of wobblers syndrome. That is a bit of a concern for us. I hope we caught it early enough that we can treat it. He got a steroid shot and is staking prednisone for a little while. We a little concerned about the steroid though. He has been drinking a lot, and he has been really hungry lately. He is peeing out all the water he drinks, and the dose gets reduced starting today. I may wait and see if it gets better with the reduced dose. I have not noticed weight loss, but it has only been a few days. We may call the vet, and make sure there is nothing we need to worry about. His gait is better, though. Hopefully this will help, and it will degenerate and come back.

Status quo...

It has been a while since I updated my blog, but there is not much to say.

I started work, and I am orienting everywhere. They send me to all departments related to OR, so that I understand the perioperative flow in the hospital. Tomorrow I have the second week of my OR class, where I learn how to handle myself the OR. I think they will teach me both circulating and scrubbing. Yesterday and today I put together trays and started to learn some of the equipment I will need to know. I now know the difference between a hemostat and a Kocher. I also know the difference between a Crile and a Kelly clamp. It was sort of interesting to see all the different trays and what they are used for. A GYN tray looks a lot different from an orthopedic tray. The craniotomy tray I put together had a lot of crazy equipment. I think I am interested to see what neurosurgery is like. It seems like it would be very fine and delicate work. I will just have to wait and see where I end up. I get to rotate through all the specialties and pick the ones I like.

Hubby has set up his office. He seems to be more excited about things. I think setting up the office made it more real to him. He made letterhead, and is working on a sign for the door. He sent letters to the various courts around Christiansburg to get on their court appointed lists. He has a lot of free time right now, so he has been doing a lot of the cooking, which I really appreciate. He plans on cooking a special meal for me for Valentine’s Day. He said he is cooking me lamb. I like lamb, so I am looking forward to it.

For the part things are rolling along like they should be. Not much to report, really.

Back in Civilization

I thought I would post a picture of my "babies." The dog on the right is our boy Oscar, and the dog on the left is our girl Gertrude. The little cat is named Belle. Now that we have high speed internet, I can post pictures! Now I just need to take more pictures..


I have not updated in a while because things have been really hectic. We finally moved out of Tappahannock, and the change in both of us is amazing. Hubby is more relaxed, and he is enjoying some of the routine activities that were such a pain before we moved. People in the grocery stores are nice and polite. The food looks good and appetizing. Not to mention the beer and wine selection.

The house still has not sold, though we do appear to have someone interested in buying the house. Now if we could get them to stop looking at it, and just put in an offer, we would be really happy.

I am very exited about my job. It is so awesome to be in the OR again! I am very excited to learn to scrub and possibly specialize in one area. The people all seem to be really nice, and appear to be happy to be there. Even when they complain, they are pretty positive about what they do and where they work. Of course, people could be putting on a brave face for the new hire. In general though, people seem happy. We will see how well I live with this job.

I did not realize that Lent started yesterday until my mother emailed me. I am not catholic, but I like the custom of giving up something for Lent. I decided to give up cable TV. We were sort of already doing it, but now we will wait until spring instead of “just until we can afford it.” I think it will be good for me. I think I had gotten used to wasting time in front of the TV, and now I can get back to things I want to do, such as regular meditation and regular workouts. The other part of the Lent custom is to do something. I decided to journal all my food on Weight Watchers. I am paying for the service, and I have not really used it the past couple of months. I will try to do better with that. We will see how it goes. I will try to keep the site updated on my progress.

Finally Moving!

Move day is tomorrow! It seems like the closer I get to the move, the crazier I get. I am very excited because it is happening, and I am leaving this area. Finally! There are times when I thought this day would never come. I also start my new job on Monday. The first couple of days are orientation, and then I think I will dive right in to the OR. I am excited to do OR again!

Hubby is doing better with the move. I think he is almost looking forward to it at this point. He is more relaxed about things because he is not looking for a job anymore, and he is putting a lot of his energy into starting his practice. I think he is getting pretty excited about starting his own business. That is good, and a change from one month ago. There was a time when the only people who were happy in our house were the dogs. And one of our dogs was a little worried. (Our female is a bit of a mommy’s girl and she can be affected by how I feel. She does better if I am around and feeling good.)

In other news...
Hubby and I discussed infertility stuff recently, and he told me that he was trying to figure out how he felt about using donor sperm. This sort of surprised me, because last I heard from him, having a child with his DNA was very important to him. IVF is expensive, and using donor sperm would be a cheaper alternative. Personally, I think we will love whatever child we have, no matter the source of genetic material. But Hubby has to work through this on his own. The male factor infertility hit him hard, and it hit him at a time when everything inhis life was changing. There is also the whole nature vs. nurture argument. People seem to be somewhat affected by their DNA, but the environment they are raised in, and how they are raised also seems to have a large effect on who they are. Science is still trying to figure out how much our genes determine who we are and how we live. I think any child we have would be loved by both of us and be affected by us as parents.

I mentioned the fact that we could choose a friend to be sperm donor, (if the friends sperm was all right), and mentioned some of his friends from college. He thought he would feel wierd asking them, but I have a hunch a couple of them would get a kick out of it. One of the first people I mentioned was his best man at our wedding. He is a big black guy, but both of us really like and respect him. (Both hubby and I are caucasian.) My immediate family would probably be all right with that, but we thought his family might not be able to deal with a mixed race baby. I also mentioned another one of his roommates from college, but he also thought of a reason to reject him as well. (He is also caucasian, but he is too whilny, he said.) Ah well, there is always the anonymous sperm donor. That may sit better with Hubby should we decide this is the path we want to take.

The closest thing we have to compare children to are our dogs. I know, they are not exactly the same as children,but we love our dogs a lot. Right now, they are our children, so that is all I have to compare parentling to. I think we would love any child we had, especially if I went through the pregnancy. I love my husband and I would do IVF with him in a heartbeat, because I would love to have a child of his genetic legacy. But having a family is important to me as well. I am not as concerned where the genetic material comes from. In fact, I am the one who has brought up the subject of adoption, and he is the one who has rejected that option.

I think I will leave the decision for IVF vs donor sperm up to him. I can do either, but I want him to be happy with the decision. We should do this together, so we should be in agreement about what we are doing. We also need to be at a point where we can afford to do something. This infertility stuff is expensive, and right now money is tight. We need to sell our house and get settled in Roanoke, first. One thing at a time.

Period.

I got my period yesterday. I do not know why, but I always feel better after my period get here. Leading up to it is bad for everyone. I am puffy, irritable, depressed, and crabby. Not to mention the chocolate cravings. There are cycles I feel like my period is a rip-off. I am never pregnant, so why do I get it. (I know, it is a sign of a properly functioning reproductive system, but still.) After my period starts I seem to calm down and realize that things may not be as bad as they seem. (Even with all the cramping and fatigue, things still appear better.) I do not know why that is, it just seems to be how it is with me.

I knew my period was coming this cycle. We are not trying, and we are not treating. Thanks to my glucophage, my periods are fairly regular, and I knew it was due about now. I did not have an emotional reponse this time. I do not know why. Maybe it is because we are on a break, and I knew nothing would happen. Maybe it is because there is a lot going on in my life right now outside of infertility. Maybe after about a decade of infertility, I know that we are not going to get pregnant without medical help.

My period sometimes seems to me to be a reminder that I am still not pregnant. Many cycles I get depressed when I get my period because it means I am not pregnant. I felt this the most with my IUI cycles at the end of last year. IUI was the closest we had been to getting a sperm to meet an egg. And both times Hubby’s morphology turns up 0-1% normal forms. I never got the chance to truly hope with my IUIs. Of course I did hope for a miracle, and when my period came I knew it was coming, but I was not happy about it. I really wanted one of the IUIs to work. What really sucked was that the last IUI started early December, and the way my cycle ran, my period was due around Christmas. Sure enough, it came Christmas eve. I think I was praying for a miracle, which never came.

My period can be a reminder of how empty I feel. I know I have a lot of things to be grateful for. A husband who loves me, two wonderfully huge dogs who think I am great, two cats who sort of like me, a job I think is sort of cool, and I am moving to an area where I can be happy. I still feel empty because I have no child to complete our family. My womb is still barren, I have not been blessed with the gift of life. For a time, I felt like my period was a rejection. I was not good enough to bear a child. I would feel like there is something worng with me that would nto allow me to have children. I know better now, but I have had about eight years to come to terms with this. PCOS is treatable, and I can ovulate. My uterus gets a nice lining for an embyo to implant. I have the right mechanics and they all work. That was a relief for me.

In my head, I know my period is a sign that things are likely functioning normally. Getting my period is a good thing. I should be grateful I have one. In my heart, I feel it is a reminder of what I do not have, and what I wish for. Maybe I have started to reconcile myself to the fact that we will not get pregnant without IVF. The possibility of IVF is my hope right now for a child, and until then I am waiting and expecting nothing.

The Big Move

Moving ranks as one of the most stressful things to do in life. I am not sure where I read that, but I think it is true. Neither Hubby nor I deal very well with change. We also handle it very differently. I want to do it like removing a band-aid. Very quickly. I want to get the change over with so that I can adjust to life after the change. Hubby wants to change slowly, with caution and a whole lot of planning.

We have been talking about moving since last summer. Hubby promised me that we would move in January. January is almost gone, and our move date has pushed back to February. I can deal with that, because we are moving. Hubby is not happy about how we are moving. He feels like the move is too quick, and we are moving before everything is right. Our house has not sold. He does not have a job, and is starting his own practice. He is leaving a thriving pratice to start a new one in a new part of the state. He is leaving his connections and his stability.

I just want out. I hate it out here. I am leaving nothing. I have no support system. I worked outside the community I lived in. I could never get invovled in a church because my schedule prevented it. All the community activities were not at times I could make it. They were also likely to be an hour away. Everything is an hour away out here. I had to take half a day off just to drop my car off at the dealership for repairs. I am very happy and excited about moving to Roanoke where I have the beginnings of a support system. One of my good friends moved to Roanoke, and I am very excited to be close to her. I have connections to the nursing school out there because that is where I went to nursing school and did all of my clinicals. My alma mater is in Roanoke, and it may be interesting to get more involved there. I had a life in southwest Virginia, and I left it so that Hubby could further his career. Now Hubby can make me happy by moving back to that area. I cannot live out here any more. Marriage is supposed to be a give and take. I gave when I moved out here. Now I am taking so I can move back to Roanoke.

I think Hubby is getting more excited about the move the closer it comes. We are both looking forward to high speed internet, more chioces in pizza delivery, and better and more numerous restaurants. I am a foodie and an oenophole, and there is a distinct lack of places to eat in Tappahannock. Most of the places that are out here are mediocre. I am looking forward to being close to civilzation. I think I am a city girl at heart, and living this far out in the country did not agree with me. I used to teach in Grayson County when I lived in Radford, and I would joke with my students that Radford was a rural as I get. The sad thing is I think that is true. I need to be within a half hour of civilization to be happy.

More of our stuff is being boxed up, the moving van is rented, and I am mentally ready to leave. I think I have been ready to leave for months. Now it is here and I cannot believe it. I am crossing my fingers that the move goes smoothly.

Trying to look at the big picture

I think one of the things I find difficult about a blog is that I have to figure out what I want to say. When I write in my journal, I can just ramble and let out what ever I am feeling at the moment without feeling like i have to say something. I think the problem is that I am dealing with a lot of stuff right now. I have a lot of changes happening in my life, and sometimes I do not know where to start, or what exactly I want to say. I am tempted to try to break them down into topics and deal with each one. There is overlap, though. I am not sure I could deal with one thing without mentioning another. I guess that is life, though. Nothing in life seems to fit into neat compartments.

OK, for those who have not been following, here is what is happening with me.

1. The most dominant thing right now is that Hubby and I are movng across the state. In less than two weeks. We are moving because I am deperately unhappy where I am now, and I was tired of being unahppy. I need to be close to civilization. I need to be around people. I do not get that here. I am very ready to leave.

2. Hubby has lots of issues with the move. This is a big deal for me because I get to deal with all the fallout. He is leaving a thriving practice here, and he has been unable to find a job. He decided he will start his own practice. That is a huge stressor on him. He has feelings of inadequacy because he cannot find a job, and because of the male factor infertility we have recently discovered. That hit him really hard. He really wants a child of his own. I can understand that. That is why we will eventually do IVF.

3. Money. I am going to be the major bread winner in the family for a while. That is a different dynamic than previously in our marriage. Some of Hubby’s inadequacy issues may stem from a temporary inability to provide. I think I can afford to pay for everything, but we will not be able to afford a lot of luxuries. I think we both knew that going in. Also, most of our equity is tied up in our house, and the market is slow. Untiil the house sells, we cannot truly go forward. I am hoping we can get the money for IVF from the house selling.

4. Infertility. This always seems to be there, no matter what happens. Our society surrounds us with families, and has a tendency to make us feel inadequate of we do not have children. Right now, this is on the back burner for me. Until we can afford the next treatment, not much is going to happen.

I am thinking if I post on each one it may help me work through my feelings, and make me more aware of how I feel about things. It may also help to put things in perspective. I can get so bagged down in details that I forget to take a step back and look at things as a whole.

Worried

My mother says that I am a little worried today. That is probably about right. I ended up snowed in at my parents house after my trip to Roanoke. Hubby called this morning to let me know that there was someone coming to see the house this afternoon. He told me to stay where I am with the dogs, and come home this afternoon. He said he would take care of the cleaning. I am worried about this because he is not as fastidious as I am about staging the house for show. He is working his way through it. If I refrain from calling every hour for an update, it will probably go faster, and he might be more thorough. I need to let this go, and let him do it, and trust he will do a good job.

Selling the house is now a large priority. Hubby got rejected from yet another job, and he has decided to set up his own practice. We need the money from the house to let him to set up his practice. Not to mention, we need that money to afford IVF. I think the infertility tretment is in the back of both of our minds. If Hubby starts his practice, it may be tougher for us to do IVF.

So, I have not seen Hubby for over two days, and I miss home, and miss my bed. I am crossing my fingers that something good will happen soon.

I have been lurking on infertility blogs a lot lately. I think I find it comforting to know that I am not the only one. Many of these ladies are going through the same things I am. Waiting seems to be one common issue among all of us. There is not much to do while waiting, so we try to fill the time as best we can.

Darn it

So many times, stuff does not turn out like you think it will. We thought we had someone coming to see the house on Monday. Hubby had interviews in Roanoke on Monday, starting in the morning. So we made plans to stage the house for show and then clear out unitl Monday night.

Well, Hubby's interviews went off as scheduled. One did not turn out, and the other I wish he would think about whether he really wants to do it. Unfortuantely, our idiot real estate agent did not call and let us know the people would not be coming until the weekend. So I did all this work on the house to get it ready to show, and it was all for nothing. And I have to do it all again this weekend, whenever our real estate agent decides to tell us they are coming. I think it was really inconsiderate of our real estate agent not to call and tell us of the change in plans. He does not like to talk to me, but he could have called Hubby's cell. It did make me realize that this guy may not be the best real estate agent for us. If the house has not sold by the end of our contract, I think we are going to switch agents. Grrr. Some people are such idiots.

I did get a wonderful time with my parents. I really enjoyed that. They help me put perspective on things. Mom told me to let go, and let things happen. Good advice, but hard to do. Letting go sounds so easy, but it is so hard to do. I am a bit of a control freak, and letting go is not easy for me. I will try, though.
Mom also bought me a new pair of running shoes. I love them. I save them for workouts on my treadmill, and they are great. Nothing like a new pair of shoes to make things better.

I go back to Roanoke tomorrow for the health exam for my job. I will also do stuff with the house we are renting. I am pretty excited about it. It is sort of funny, because I am leaving the dogs at my parents house. I am coming back there after I do everything in Roanoke and spending the night. They are my babies right now, and I worry about them when I am not there. Hopefully the weather will hold for all my travels. I think they are expecting show and ice this week in Roanoke.

A case of the blahs

I have been really sort of bummed out the past few days. I do not know why. Maybe it is mid-cycle I was ovulating and I realized there was no hope this cycle. (I am not doing BBT right now, so I am not sure.) Maybe it is because Hubby and I have not been connecting recently. Maybe it is because our house has not sold. Maybe it is because it feels like everything is a mess. Maybe it is because I am bored. I have not worked in about a month, and I do not start my new job for another two weeks. Maybe I am bummed because I think Hubby will come home and complain all weekend. Maybe my blood sugar is off. Stupid PCOS.

I did go get my hair cut and my eyebrows waxed today. Hubby and I hopefully will get to spend some quality time together this weekend and talk through stuff. I think both of us feel like the other is not listening. I feel like Hubby is not hearing how unhappy I am, and how anxious I am to leave. Hubby feels like I am taking all his fears seriously. We need to do something.

We also need to get the house ready to show to yet another couple who will look, and then probably not make an offer. It is frustrating because we are getting a lot of interest in the house, but no one has made an offer. I feel like the house will never sell. I think it is the one thing holding us back. I am trying to do everything I can think of to make the house look good. We got electricity to the garage this week, and we are havinig trash hauled away this weekend. I fixed the drippy kitchen faucet, and put drawer pulls on the vanity in the second bath. I also fixed the lattice on the front porch. Sunday I will de-dog the house and thoroughly clean it. Then the dogs and Hubby and I will all leave until Monday night.

I hate how negative I have been lately. I am usually more positive. and I feel like I am comlaining about the same things. I hope I am not too much like a broken record. I do not know how to break out of the funk I am in. I will work out today, and I am going to visit my parents on Sunday and Monday. It will probably be good for me to get out of the area and let Mom fuss over me a little.

Sigh. Just waiting for the clouds to break.

Miscommunication

Hubby and I talked a little before he left for work this morning. He feels like we have not been able to talk to each other lately. He feels like I do not listen to him. He has not been able to express his feelings and opinions to me without me getting upset. Between the move and the infertility issues he has been feeling very inadequate lately. I am not sure how to get past this

I do get upset when he talks negatively about the move. What I hear is that he does not want to leave. I hear that he is not comfortable with things as they are. That makes me upset. I have put a lot of effort into this move. I have put a lot of effort into the house to help it sell. I got us a place to land when we move to Roanoke. I put off my start date on my new job so that we could move together. I really hate where I am now, and the possiblility of escape is so close, I can almost taste it.

I am not happy about the holding pattern we are in with the house. I think I do not like hearing that the house has to sell in order for us to move forward. I wish we had no ties to this area, and could just leave. Unfortunately, that is not reality. A lot of our assets are tied up in the house. We have to sell this house before we can truly settle in Roanoke. We have to sell the house before we can continue infertility treatment. The housing market is slow right now, and houses in this area are just not selling. It does not look like we will get an offer any time soon. I am hopeful, but frustrated. We are getting a lot of interest in the house, but no one is offering to buy it. So we are stuck paying a mortgage on a house we do not want.

When Hubby complains, I want to fix it. I want to make things better, I want things to feel more positive. When he talks negatively about moving, I feel like what I have done to make the move easier is not appreciated.

I think it is diffucult for me to see his point of view because I am in a very different place than he is. I think I have already made the break, and I am looking forward to what will happen next. He is not there yet because none of his stuff is firm. I do not know. There seems to be a lot of things we need to work out.

Waiting

I like to go to the centering prayer web site and see what thoughts they have on the week. This week’s thought was “Waiting for God.” (For the link, see the sidebar.) The article dealt with uncertainty, waiting and vigilance. This resonated with me and my infertility journey because so much of the journey deals with the unknown, and there is a lot of waiting involved. You never know what life will throw at you, so you have to be ready for anything.

I definitely did not plan on the infertility road. You see, I used to have a plan. When I first married, I had all these great ideas, I had a timeline in my head. I wanted a graduate degree, and then children within 5 years. Hubby and I have been married now for 11 years. I have two graduate degrees, and another bachelor’s degree. I am not at all where I thought I would be ten years ago. At first, I was mad at the world for messing up my plans. (Let us just say I have some control issues.) After I started meditating, my point of view changed. (Father Keating calls Centering Prayer the “divine thrapy”, and I think this is true.) I realized that I may have needed to experience the things I did for a reason. I am on this journey for a reason. G-d throws things at you when you are ready. You may not feel ready, but you are. Letting go and letting G-d is probably one of the hardest things I have ever done. And I still have to remember to let go every day.

I have a lot of uncertainty in my life right now. I am waiting to move to Roanoke, I am waiting for Hubby to get a job, and I am waiting for timing and finances to be right to do IVF. With the male factor issues we have, I am not expecting to get pregnant during this waiting period. It has not happened in the last eleven years, it probably will not happen now. I hate waiting. I am probably one of the least patient people out there. Waiting is not a strong point for me. When I want something, I want it now. I think this comes back to my control issues. While I am waiting, I am not in control of what is happening. I hate being out of control. I think this is what scares me about IVF. I am not in control of what is happening. I have to put myself in the RE’s hands. My lack of control with IVF process is why I do not want to switch REs. I like my current RE, and if I am not going to be in control, I want to have a relationship with the person I am giving that control to. It will probably be a pain in the ass, but I am coming back to Richmond to do IVF.

While I am waiting for IVF, I have to stay vigilant. I have to keep myself healthy, I have to keep myself relaxed, and I have to keep the faith. I like this part of it. I have control over this. This is something I can do. Something tangible. I can work on my diet and try to continue losing weight, I can work out, I can meditate, I can get myself organized. Right now, I have a goal. With the goal, I have hope, and that is very motivating. Like the Flylady says, when you have your shoes on, you are ready for anything at a moments notice.

Well, I am wearing my lace up shoes, saying the Welcoming prayer, and trying to let go. Let us see what happens.

Another year gone...

Sigh. Another year has passed without conception. I was very hopeful until we started the infertility treatment. It does look like the only way to get us pregnant with Hubby's sperm is IVF. I made it official on December 27. I called my RE's office and told them I started my period on Christmas Eve (which was true), and that we would wait until spring and try IVF at that time. I put my bbt thermometer away, and will try to get as healthy as possible for all the poking and prodding that comes with IVF. Hopefully having the next months off infertility treatment will get me used to the idea of IVF.

I will go back to weight watchers. I need to be honest about my weight, so I weighed myself this morning, and recorded that number on my weight watchers home page. Of course, I gained wieght. Now I have to lose all that weight again. I will continue to do my walk/runs. That helps, allows me to eat better, and is a great stress reliever.

I think I will also try to go back to my Flylady routines. She has a great system to get you organized. I will be working long hours on my next job. Now is the time to get organized and get my routines in place. I broke out my Flying notebook, and I need to go through it and reorganize it. Maybe I will reread her book to get me motivated. January is a good time to get organized. New year, new resolutions

Everything feels like it is in a holding pattern right now. I have the whole month of January to get packed for our move across the state. I cannot wait. It hardly seems real. It may seem more real as I pack.

We had one couple come look at our house the day after Christmas. Hopefully this will be the one. Keeping my fingers crossed. Hubby also sent off a couple more job applications. Hopefully one of them will work out.

Hubby's birthday is coming up this Friday. I decided to try making him a strawberry cake for his birthday. He likes strawberrries, and he likes pink. I am not the best cake baker in the world, but we will see what happens. I do not think he will mind if it is imperfect.