Deep Breaths...

Feeling better now. I went to Stirrup Queen's blog, and she had the perfect thing. It is nice to know that you are not alone. She had the perfect things to say. Please go and see what she posted. (The link is in my sidebar. I am new at this and cannot figure out how to link in my text. Sorry.)

I also cleaned up a little. It is not perfect, but at least the clutter and dustbunnies are under control. I think it helped me work off some of this mad.

I think I may be in a better place to let stuff go now. Hopefully now I can enjoy my holiday. After I eat lunch I may break out my eggnog and start wrapping. Nothing makes a chore go better like alcohol.

I do have things to be grateful for this holiday. I am looking forward to seeing my family this holiday. I actually get a holiday, and I am not working. I am leaving the area at the end of the month. I have a whole month off to get stuff organized and moved. I have a wonderful Hubby who loves me so much that he is rearranging his life so that I can be happy. I have two wonderful Great Danes who love me very much. I have two cats who tolerate me and occaisonally let me pet them. And I can drink wine without feeling guilty this holiday. Being an oenophile, that is important to me. Maybe I will bring a bottle of wine to share with my family Christmas Eve.

Murphy's Law

Well, what else can go wrong? Stuff seems to be going downhill on all fronts right now.

I heard from Hubby that he talked to our real estate agent about the couple who came back for a second look at the house with a contractor. Apparently after looking at it with the contractor, they lost interest because they thought there is too much to do on the house. I think that just sucks. I hate it, but I guess all I can do is go on. I will work on some stuff after the holidays. Call contractors, and stuff like that. Some of the little stuff I may be able to do myself.

My check from work never got direct deposited, like I thought it would. Now my account is overdrawn. Fortunately Hubby let me cover it with money from his account. I really hope they are mailing my check to me. Also, they need to pay me my PTO I never used. I need that money to get me through January since I will not be working.

Then, just the icing on the cake, my temps have dipped below 98.0 this morning, which means my period is on its way. Ain’t that just a merry Christmas present. I will likely feel better after my period starts, but I will be grumpy and irritable until then. I was expecting it, but getting my period is never any fun.

Needless to say, I am not in a Christmas mood right now. I plan on working out at some point this morning, hopefully that will help me let some of this go. I just want to break down and cry at how hopeless everything seems right now. I feel like if something can go wrong, it will go wrong. What a mess. I am trying to let stuff go until after the holiday. There is not much I can do about this stuff until after Christmas, anyway. Some of this stuff may have to wait until the new year.

I have a wrapping marathon to do today. I have not done a whole lot of wrapping yet, and time is running out. I did get some eggnog from the ABC store. I may have a glass of that this afternoon to make things easier. Or at least seem easier.

I hope everyone has a good holiday!

Differences

Hubby and I definitely feel differently about moving. It is starting to get to the point where we need to start making plans for the move, and he does not even want to talk about it. I am really trying to understand his point of view and be compassionate, but it is difficult.

I am anxioius and excited to leave. To me it feels like I will get a life back. I will hopefully be able to join and participate in a church. I have friends and my support system is in that area. The culture out there is very different from here, and I just feel more comfortable out there.

Hubby, on the other hand, is leaving a sort of good job. (There were things which were starting to annoy him.) He is sort of established in the area. He has family out here, and he has worked hard at his job and felt like he accomplished something. He has not found a job in or around Roanoke, our house has not sold, and I think he is feeling a little threatened by the whole situation. Then there is the infertility aspect. It really hit him hard when we realized that there was male factor involved.

Being a nurse, my inclination is to fix things. I have done everything I can, but there is no fix for this situation. I have pushed back my start date a few weeks. I have found us a place to live in Roanoke, and I am using my savings to pay the rent on the place. That should give us some breathing room. I cannot fix his situation. Every time he talks about it, it all sounds so hopeless, it sounds like we will be stuck here forever. I cannot deal with thiat. I do not have a lot to look forward to. Leaving the area is one thing I have which is making me happy.

For me, right now, the most important thing is to leave Tappahannock. I really tried to make it work in this area, but I could not. I think I am going to have to wait on any more infertility treatments until after we move. I think the infertility stuff would be one more stressor for hubby on top of everything else. Financially it will make the move easier, as well. I think when we come back to it, we will probably go straight for the IVF. With Hubby's poor morphology, ISCI seems to be the way to go. My RE tried to put it in perspective for me. We have had about nine years of not preventing or actively trying, with no success. With that sort of track record, there is more than one problem. IVF with ICSI is probably our best shot.

So...the plan is get moved, and try IVF in spring. It has waited this long, another month or two will probably not hurt anything. The break will also give up time to get our heads around the idea of IVF. I think it is more diffucult for me than for him.


I think it is awesome that people want to follow my journey. Anyone is welcome to join me. I am currently in a 2 week wait after IUI. Expecting my period around the 23rd or 24th. (Yeah, I know, probably will not be a very merry Christmas.) Hubby's SA this cycle was 0% normal forms, so I am expecting my period to show up as scheduled. Sigh. Yet another disappointment.

Feeling Edgy

I think I have been so used to being busy and working nights that now that I am neither, I am not sure what to do with myself. Yesterday I could barely sit still. I did the prep work for my big marbling project, but that only took about an hour. I cleaned a little bit, I meditated, I hung out with Hubby and the dogs. It felt good to be able to do nothing, but I am not used to it.

I am meeting my sister today for lunch. I am really looking forward to that. I have not seen her in a while. She goes out of town on a regualar basis, so she is hard to keep up with.

I am tempted to not do anything else infertility-wise until after we move to Roanoke. I doubt Hubby's semen analysis will get any better. But there is a part of me that wants to try IUI just once more. For the heck of it. I think I have a slim hope that maybe things have improved by now. Probably unlikely. I do not think we could handle another semen analysis coming back with 0-1% normal forms. Because that is the case, our best shot will likely be IVF.

IVF feels like a big step for me. It probably has to do with my control issues. I hate being out of control of things. IVF is very invasive for the female. I have to put myself completely in the hands of the MD. Fortunately, I am finding I like my current RE. I will probably stay with him when we decide to go forward with IVF. I would have to travel anyway for IVF because there is no one in Roanoke. We have already had our IVF consult with him, so all we would have to do is contact his office to get started. He says he has people he works with in Roanoke who could follow my cycles.

Hopefully by waiting a few months, I will be able to get my head around the idea of IVF, and my role in it. We will also be able to get our financing in place. I think I am not happy about giving up on IUI, but it appears to be the best thing to do. In the meantime, I can get myself as healthy as possible. I think that will make things easier.

One Thing Over!

I worked my last night at my job last night. Now I can recover from working nights, and I can sleep every night with Hubby! I was beginniing to miss nights away from Hubby.

I can also start to make Christmas gifts.

Every year I make Christmas gifts for everyone in my family. This year I have a very ambitious project in mind. I am going to try marbling. I may start getting everything prepped for it tomorrow, and spend a few days just doing the dying. I am pretty excited.

I am only going to post a short note right now. I am too tired to really write anything sensible. Maybe tomorrow after sleep I will be more in my right mind. Or at least slightly more sensible.

Time Lapse

It has been about a month since I have posted to my blog.

I think I have wanted to ignore all my problems and hope they go away.

The house still has not sold. Not really surprising, given the market right now. We have had a lot of interest, but no offers, yet. I need to start looking at temporary housing in Roanoke, I think. It is frustrating having so much interest, but no offers. I think people are just waiting for something.

We did IUI this cycle, but Hubby's sperm came back with no normal forms, so I doubt that anything will happen this cycle. Unfortunately, that means my period is due around Christmas. Merry Christmas to me. Not making me the most happy camper in the world right now. Fortunately, we are doing Christmas with my family, and no one in my generation is having children, yet. There is one couple who could possibly be pregnant, but I hope my parents will warn me if that is the case.

Both of us are a little devastated by the news of his semen analysis. I know exactly how hubby feels. When I was diagnosed with PCOS, I flet like a failure as a female. This is something my body was made to do, and I could not do it. I have a nuch hubby feels the same way right now. I wich there was something I could do to make it better.

We still have two vials of the semen we can use for another IUI, but I do not know if it is worth it. MD wants new semen samples for IVF in the spring, so they will likely just sit there, unused.

We are looking at IVF in the spring. How we are going to afford IVF is another question. The house needs to sell, and Hubby needs a job, or at least start his own business. If he starts his own business, I do not know how much he is going to be willing to spend. He does want his own child, though, so I think he will be willing to invest in the process.

I am a little sad that we have to do IVF. I wanted things to be as natural as possible. Now that ideal is gone. I guess while I am waiting to start IVF, I can get myself as healthy as possible. I think it will be easier if I am in the best shape I can possibly be. I already have lost some weight, but I could stand to lose more. I will continue with weight watchers and working out. That should also keep my stress level as low as possible.

Sunday night musings

I probably ought to try to link with other blogs, but right now the blog feels unformed to me. I am a perfectionist who really wants to do things well. I want a better idea about the blog before I go "public" with it. Besides, dial up connection I have really makes things difficult. I do not know. I think I want to think about it first.

Hubby is sick, and has been sort of sniffly lately. Not condusive to sex, though we may try tomorrow. I spent the day cleaning the house just in case someone wanted to look at it. I talked with the real estate agent, and he said the house was too doggy. Well, we do have two great danes who live with us. That could contribute to the doggy-ness of the house. I spent the weekend vaccuuming couches, sweeping and mopping floors. The house is clean, and smells better, but no one came to look at it. It is sort of discouraging. I do all this work to keep the house clean and hopefully showing well, and no one comes to look at it. I know the market is slow, so I should not feel too bad. but I know I am going to have to do all the same work next weekend. Just in case someone comes to look at the house. The frustrating thing is that I think we are competing with brand new houses in the same area. I have high hopes that we will sell, but we have to get people to look at the house in order to sell it.

The house has been a bone of contention between the Hubby and I. He is worried about what will happen if we do not sell the house. The house may sell better if we are not here. I do not know . We get a lot of older people retiring to the area and I think our house is not what most older people are looking for. This is a fairly conservative area. I hate being stuck with this house. I wish there was an easy way out of this. I have a job, and will likely start in January. This stupid house will keep us in the area, and I hate it.

I hate this area. I hate feeling disconnected from everything. I hate that I cannot have a family and be a normal female. I know there are a lot of other women out there who are going through the same thing, but I still feel like a failure as a female at times. I hate being dependent on my mother for someone to talk to. I hate the amount of stupid people in this area. I was at the Wal-Mart this morning doing my grocery shopping, and I saw a lot of people with blank looks on their faces. I hate being an hour away from anything. My job, my family, and anything else is an hour away. I hate it. Because of that, I have no social life. That and working nights. I have no support system, no regular church I attend, nowhere to go on my off time, no girlfriend to bitch to when I am not happy. I feel like I have nothing out here. I hate it. Get me the hell out of here! One thing keeping us here is our stupid house!

Get me the hell out of this area!

Looking up.

I am very excited because it looks like we may actually be able to leave the area. At least, I will be able to leave the area. I have a job! A hospital has offered to let me work in their OR! I am so excited I can hardly believe it. It is a level one trauma center, so I am sure I will see some interesting things. Hubby has an interview on the 19th, and we are both keeping our fingers crossed that it will work out.

I think I am hitting mid cycle because I am starting to feel more upbeat about stuff, and generally more happy. Of course, getting a job helps a bit! I have not touched my BBT thermometer this month, and it feels like a vacation. It is a nice break not to have infertility stuff you need to do. At least for the time being. It all starts again in December, though. But for right now, I can just cruise.

I have to work the next three nights, which sort of sucks. I started counting down the time I have left in my job. I have about six weeks left. That feels good, too. It was such a relief to put in my resignation. I gave a lot of notice, but I wanted to have a definite end point. It makes a difference.

I was looking at other blogs, and realized I am not sure if I care if anyone reads mine. It is very personal, and sort of selfish, but it is an outlet. I think it is helping me just to do it. Maybe as the site evolves, I will care more. But right now, I am just enjoying posting on it and using it as a journal.

Feel better now.

I feel better after getting a lot of sleep last night. Working nights is really messing me up. At least I am leaving that job.

I am not sure what to make the focus of the blog. I have a lot of stuff going on. I am considering making the focus my infertility journey. Of course, right now I may also blog about moving, and other changes going on. Life is not easily compartmentalized, and it all seems to affect each other. If I do make the focus infertility, I may change the name of the blog.

This cycle will not be a big infertility cycle because I am not doing anything this cycle. I am thinking of not even doing my temps. It is sort of nice not to have to worry about it. I may do my temps toward the end of my cycle just to figure out when my period is due. My cycles have a tendency to be irregular.

With PCOS, weight loss seems to be part of the infertility treatment. So, Hubby and I are doing Weight Watchers. Hubby is doing Weight Watchers with me for health reasons. I have seen too many overweight men in their forties end up on the cardiac unit where I work. I want him around to help raise our children when we finally get pregnant

I have not seen big losses on the scale, though I think I have lost inches, and I feel a lot better. A lot of people have noticed I have lost weight, and my clothes do not fit. Hubby has been doing better dropping weight, though I think he has more to lose. At least it is working for both of us. I just need to keep at it. Hubby likes the way I look since I have lost some weight. He has had a hard time keeping his hands off me lately. And I feel more sexy, to boot.

We are just at the beginning of our infertility journey. It is difficult for me to imagine success at this point. I feel like my period is inevitable every month. I try to remember that we are in the process of getting help for the infertility, but that is difficult for me to remember when I have my period. I think the lack of estrogen during my periods makes me feel really low, and the failure of another cycle does not help my morale. At least my lows are cyclic. After my period is over, my estrogen climbs again, and I start to feel better. It is a rollercoaster, though. Highs can be really high, and the lows are really low. At least for me.

I just finished my period, so I am starting to feel more optimistic about things in general. I can just realx this cycle, and work on other things, such as moving and finding a new job and selling the house. I think I am thinking of this cycle as breathing room.

Hmm..

This is sort of a whim right now, and we will see how often I post. Unfortunately, I do not have a lot of time at the moment to write a whole lot. So just a little about myself...

I am a Virginia girl, though I grew up in Northern Virginia. Many Virginians do not consider Northern Virginia to actually be part of the Commonwealth of Virginia. I married a Virginia redneck who went to law school. He is sort of your King Bubba redneck. He knows how to do stuff, he would just rather pay someone else to do it.

Hubby and I are in the process of moving across the state. I hate where I am living currently, though I did find my RE while I was here. Unfortunately, we are moving farther away from him. I have PCOS, which was the reason we started going to an RE in the first place. My RE managed to get me ovulating, and then we realized that hubby's sperm had poor morphology. Sigh. It seems if it is not one thing it is another. We had an IUI last cycle, which was unsuccesssful, and we are resting this cycle. Hubby has cut back on his alcohol intake, and we are trying again in December. We are planning on having an IVF consult with my RE before we leave the area. If I do IVF I want to go back to this guy.

Both of us are job hunting. Fortunately we both have interviews. I am a nurse, who is thinking of going back into the operating room for my next job. No lack of OR jobs, apparently. I currently work nights on a PCU, which is really getting me down. (Working nights, that is. The patients are mostly entertaining.) On the bright side, I have already given notice for my current job, so I can go ahead and count down the days.

I apologize for any rambling. I just got off working a couple of nights, and I am feeling a bit off.

I am off to have a soak in the tub, and then finish getting the house ready for showing this afternoon. I heard the smell chocolate chip cookies helps sell. Maybe I should bake a batch. Then I could have my favorite snack... Chocolate chip cookies and a glass of red wine.