Friday, January 25, 2008


I got my period yesterday. I do not know why, but I always feel better after my period get here. Leading up to it is bad for everyone. I am puffy, irritable, depressed, and crabby. Not to mention the chocolate cravings. There are cycles I feel like my period is a rip-off. I am never pregnant, so why do I get it. (I know, it is a sign of a properly functioning reproductive system, but still.) After my period starts I seem to calm down and realize that things may not be as bad as they seem. (Even with all the cramping and fatigue, things still appear better.) I do not know why that is, it just seems to be how it is with me.

I knew my period was coming this cycle. We are not trying, and we are not treating. Thanks to my glucophage, my periods are fairly regular, and I knew it was due about now. I did not have an emotional reponse this time. I do not know why. Maybe it is because we are on a break, and I knew nothing would happen. Maybe it is because there is a lot going on in my life right now outside of infertility. Maybe after about a decade of infertility, I know that we are not going to get pregnant without medical help.

My period sometimes seems to me to be a reminder that I am still not pregnant. Many cycles I get depressed when I get my period because it means I am not pregnant. I felt this the most with my IUI cycles at the end of last year. IUI was the closest we had been to getting a sperm to meet an egg. And both times Hubby’s morphology turns up 0-1% normal forms. I never got the chance to truly hope with my IUIs. Of course I did hope for a miracle, and when my period came I knew it was coming, but I was not happy about it. I really wanted one of the IUIs to work. What really sucked was that the last IUI started early December, and the way my cycle ran, my period was due around Christmas. Sure enough, it came Christmas eve. I think I was praying for a miracle, which never came.

My period can be a reminder of how empty I feel. I know I have a lot of things to be grateful for. A husband who loves me, two wonderfully huge dogs who think I am great, two cats who sort of like me, a job I think is sort of cool, and I am moving to an area where I can be happy. I still feel empty because I have no child to complete our family. My womb is still barren, I have not been blessed with the gift of life. For a time, I felt like my period was a rejection. I was not good enough to bear a child. I would feel like there is something worng with me that would nto allow me to have children. I know better now, but I have had about eight years to come to terms with this. PCOS is treatable, and I can ovulate. My uterus gets a nice lining for an embyo to implant. I have the right mechanics and they all work. That was a relief for me.

In my head, I know my period is a sign that things are likely functioning normally. Getting my period is a good thing. I should be grateful I have one. In my heart, I feel it is a reminder of what I do not have, and what I wish for. Maybe I have started to reconcile myself to the fact that we will not get pregnant without IVF. The possibility of IVF is my hope right now for a child, and until then I am waiting and expecting nothing.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

The Big Move

Moving ranks as one of the most stressful things to do in life. I am not sure where I read that, but I think it is true. Neither Hubby nor I deal very well with change. We also handle it very differently. I want to do it like removing a band-aid. Very quickly. I want to get the change over with so that I can adjust to life after the change. Hubby wants to change slowly, with caution and a whole lot of planning.

We have been talking about moving since last summer. Hubby promised me that we would move in January. January is almost gone, and our move date has pushed back to February. I can deal with that, because we are moving. Hubby is not happy about how we are moving. He feels like the move is too quick, and we are moving before everything is right. Our house has not sold. He does not have a job, and is starting his own practice. He is leaving a thriving pratice to start a new one in a new part of the state. He is leaving his connections and his stability.

I just want out. I hate it out here. I am leaving nothing. I have no support system. I worked outside the community I lived in. I could never get invovled in a church because my schedule prevented it. All the community activities were not at times I could make it. They were also likely to be an hour away. Everything is an hour away out here. I had to take half a day off just to drop my car off at the dealership for repairs. I am very happy and excited about moving to Roanoke where I have the beginnings of a support system. One of my good friends moved to Roanoke, and I am very excited to be close to her. I have connections to the nursing school out there because that is where I went to nursing school and did all of my clinicals. My alma mater is in Roanoke, and it may be interesting to get more involved there. I had a life in southwest Virginia, and I left it so that Hubby could further his career. Now Hubby can make me happy by moving back to that area. I cannot live out here any more. Marriage is supposed to be a give and take. I gave when I moved out here. Now I am taking so I can move back to Roanoke.

I think Hubby is getting more excited about the move the closer it comes. We are both looking forward to high speed internet, more chioces in pizza delivery, and better and more numerous restaurants. I am a foodie and an oenophole, and there is a distinct lack of places to eat in Tappahannock. Most of the places that are out here are mediocre. I am looking forward to being close to civilzation. I think I am a city girl at heart, and living this far out in the country did not agree with me. I used to teach in Grayson County when I lived in Radford, and I would joke with my students that Radford was a rural as I get. The sad thing is I think that is true. I need to be within a half hour of civilization to be happy.

More of our stuff is being boxed up, the moving van is rented, and I am mentally ready to leave. I think I have been ready to leave for months. Now it is here and I cannot believe it. I am crossing my fingers that the move goes smoothly.

Monday, January 21, 2008

Trying to look at the big picture

I think one of the things I find difficult about a blog is that I have to figure out what I want to say. When I write in my journal, I can just ramble and let out what ever I am feeling at the moment without feeling like i have to say something. I think the problem is that I am dealing with a lot of stuff right now. I have a lot of changes happening in my life, and sometimes I do not know where to start, or what exactly I want to say. I am tempted to try to break them down into topics and deal with each one. There is overlap, though. I am not sure I could deal with one thing without mentioning another. I guess that is life, though. Nothing in life seems to fit into neat compartments.

OK, for those who have not been following, here is what is happening with me.

1. The most dominant thing right now is that Hubby and I are movng across the state. In less than two weeks. We are moving because I am deperately unhappy where I am now, and I was tired of being unahppy. I need to be close to civilization. I need to be around people. I do not get that here. I am very ready to leave.

2. Hubby has lots of issues with the move. This is a big deal for me because I get to deal with all the fallout. He is leaving a thriving practice here, and he has been unable to find a job. He decided he will start his own practice. That is a huge stressor on him. He has feelings of inadequacy because he cannot find a job, and because of the male factor infertility we have recently discovered. That hit him really hard. He really wants a child of his own. I can understand that. That is why we will eventually do IVF.

3. Money. I am going to be the major bread winner in the family for a while. That is a different dynamic than previously in our marriage. Some of Hubby’s inadequacy issues may stem from a temporary inability to provide. I think I can afford to pay for everything, but we will not be able to afford a lot of luxuries. I think we both knew that going in. Also, most of our equity is tied up in our house, and the market is slow. Untiil the house sells, we cannot truly go forward. I am hoping we can get the money for IVF from the house selling.

4. Infertility. This always seems to be there, no matter what happens. Our society surrounds us with families, and has a tendency to make us feel inadequate of we do not have children. Right now, this is on the back burner for me. Until we can afford the next treatment, not much is going to happen.

I am thinking if I post on each one it may help me work through my feelings, and make me more aware of how I feel about things. It may also help to put things in perspective. I can get so bagged down in details that I forget to take a step back and look at things as a whole.

Friday, January 18, 2008


My mother says that I am a little worried today. That is probably about right. I ended up snowed in at my parents house after my trip to Roanoke. Hubby called this morning to let me know that there was someone coming to see the house this afternoon. He told me to stay where I am with the dogs, and come home this afternoon. He said he would take care of the cleaning. I am worried about this because he is not as fastidious as I am about staging the house for show. He is working his way through it. If I refrain from calling every hour for an update, it will probably go faster, and he might be more thorough. I need to let this go, and let him do it, and trust he will do a good job.

Selling the house is now a large priority. Hubby got rejected from yet another job, and he has decided to set up his own practice. We need the money from the house to let him to set up his practice. Not to mention, we need that money to afford IVF. I think the infertility tretment is in the back of both of our minds. If Hubby starts his practice, it may be tougher for us to do IVF.

So, I have not seen Hubby for over two days, and I miss home, and miss my bed. I am crossing my fingers that something good will happen soon.

I have been lurking on infertility blogs a lot lately. I think I find it comforting to know that I am not the only one. Many of these ladies are going through the same things I am. Waiting seems to be one common issue among all of us. There is not much to do while waiting, so we try to fill the time as best we can.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Darn it

So many times, stuff does not turn out like you think it will. We thought we had someone coming to see the house on Monday. Hubby had interviews in Roanoke on Monday, starting in the morning. So we made plans to stage the house for show and then clear out unitl Monday night.

Well, Hubby's interviews went off as scheduled. One did not turn out, and the other I wish he would think about whether he really wants to do it. Unfortuantely, our idiot real estate agent did not call and let us know the people would not be coming until the weekend. So I did all this work on the house to get it ready to show, and it was all for nothing. And I have to do it all again this weekend, whenever our real estate agent decides to tell us they are coming. I think it was really inconsiderate of our real estate agent not to call and tell us of the change in plans. He does not like to talk to me, but he could have called Hubby's cell. It did make me realize that this guy may not be the best real estate agent for us. If the house has not sold by the end of our contract, I think we are going to switch agents. Grrr. Some people are such idiots.

I did get a wonderful time with my parents. I really enjoyed that. They help me put perspective on things. Mom told me to let go, and let things happen. Good advice, but hard to do. Letting go sounds so easy, but it is so hard to do. I am a bit of a control freak, and letting go is not easy for me. I will try, though.
Mom also bought me a new pair of running shoes. I love them. I save them for workouts on my treadmill, and they are great. Nothing like a new pair of shoes to make things better.

I go back to Roanoke tomorrow for the health exam for my job. I will also do stuff with the house we are renting. I am pretty excited about it. It is sort of funny, because I am leaving the dogs at my parents house. I am coming back there after I do everything in Roanoke and spending the night. They are my babies right now, and I worry about them when I am not there. Hopefully the weather will hold for all my travels. I think they are expecting show and ice this week in Roanoke.

Friday, January 11, 2008

A case of the blahs

I have been really sort of bummed out the past few days. I do not know why. Maybe it is mid-cycle I was ovulating and I realized there was no hope this cycle. (I am not doing BBT right now, so I am not sure.) Maybe it is because Hubby and I have not been connecting recently. Maybe it is because our house has not sold. Maybe it is because it feels like everything is a mess. Maybe it is because I am bored. I have not worked in about a month, and I do not start my new job for another two weeks. Maybe I am bummed because I think Hubby will come home and complain all weekend. Maybe my blood sugar is off. Stupid PCOS.

I did go get my hair cut and my eyebrows waxed today. Hubby and I hopefully will get to spend some quality time together this weekend and talk through stuff. I think both of us feel like the other is not listening. I feel like Hubby is not hearing how unhappy I am, and how anxious I am to leave. Hubby feels like I am taking all his fears seriously. We need to do something.

We also need to get the house ready to show to yet another couple who will look, and then probably not make an offer. It is frustrating because we are getting a lot of interest in the house, but no one has made an offer. I feel like the house will never sell. I think it is the one thing holding us back. I am trying to do everything I can think of to make the house look good. We got electricity to the garage this week, and we are havinig trash hauled away this weekend. I fixed the drippy kitchen faucet, and put drawer pulls on the vanity in the second bath. I also fixed the lattice on the front porch. Sunday I will de-dog the house and thoroughly clean it. Then the dogs and Hubby and I will all leave until Monday night.

I hate how negative I have been lately. I am usually more positive. and I feel like I am comlaining about the same things. I hope I am not too much like a broken record. I do not know how to break out of the funk I am in. I will work out today, and I am going to visit my parents on Sunday and Monday. It will probably be good for me to get out of the area and let Mom fuss over me a little.

Sigh. Just waiting for the clouds to break.

Wednesday, January 9, 2008


Hubby and I talked a little before he left for work this morning. He feels like we have not been able to talk to each other lately. He feels like I do not listen to him. He has not been able to express his feelings and opinions to me without me getting upset. Between the move and the infertility issues he has been feeling very inadequate lately. I am not sure how to get past this

I do get upset when he talks negatively about the move. What I hear is that he does not want to leave. I hear that he is not comfortable with things as they are. That makes me upset. I have put a lot of effort into this move. I have put a lot of effort into the house to help it sell. I got us a place to land when we move to Roanoke. I put off my start date on my new job so that we could move together. I really hate where I am now, and the possiblility of escape is so close, I can almost taste it.

I am not happy about the holding pattern we are in with the house. I think I do not like hearing that the house has to sell in order for us to move forward. I wish we had no ties to this area, and could just leave. Unfortunately, that is not reality. A lot of our assets are tied up in the house. We have to sell this house before we can truly settle in Roanoke. We have to sell the house before we can continue infertility treatment. The housing market is slow right now, and houses in this area are just not selling. It does not look like we will get an offer any time soon. I am hopeful, but frustrated. We are getting a lot of interest in the house, but no one is offering to buy it. So we are stuck paying a mortgage on a house we do not want.

When Hubby complains, I want to fix it. I want to make things better, I want things to feel more positive. When he talks negatively about moving, I feel like what I have done to make the move easier is not appreciated.

I think it is diffucult for me to see his point of view because I am in a very different place than he is. I think I have already made the break, and I am looking forward to what will happen next. He is not there yet because none of his stuff is firm. I do not know. There seems to be a lot of things we need to work out.

Friday, January 4, 2008


I like to go to the centering prayer web site and see what thoughts they have on the week. This week’s thought was “Waiting for God.” (For the link, see the sidebar.) The article dealt with uncertainty, waiting and vigilance. This resonated with me and my infertility journey because so much of the journey deals with the unknown, and there is a lot of waiting involved. You never know what life will throw at you, so you have to be ready for anything.

I definitely did not plan on the infertility road. You see, I used to have a plan. When I first married, I had all these great ideas, I had a timeline in my head. I wanted a graduate degree, and then children within 5 years. Hubby and I have been married now for 11 years. I have two graduate degrees, and another bachelor’s degree. I am not at all where I thought I would be ten years ago. At first, I was mad at the world for messing up my plans. (Let us just say I have some control issues.) After I started meditating, my point of view changed. (Father Keating calls Centering Prayer the “divine thrapy”, and I think this is true.) I realized that I may have needed to experience the things I did for a reason. I am on this journey for a reason. G-d throws things at you when you are ready. You may not feel ready, but you are. Letting go and letting G-d is probably one of the hardest things I have ever done. And I still have to remember to let go every day.

I have a lot of uncertainty in my life right now. I am waiting to move to Roanoke, I am waiting for Hubby to get a job, and I am waiting for timing and finances to be right to do IVF. With the male factor issues we have, I am not expecting to get pregnant during this waiting period. It has not happened in the last eleven years, it probably will not happen now. I hate waiting. I am probably one of the least patient people out there. Waiting is not a strong point for me. When I want something, I want it now. I think this comes back to my control issues. While I am waiting, I am not in control of what is happening. I hate being out of control. I think this is what scares me about IVF. I am not in control of what is happening. I have to put myself in the RE’s hands. My lack of control with IVF process is why I do not want to switch REs. I like my current RE, and if I am not going to be in control, I want to have a relationship with the person I am giving that control to. It will probably be a pain in the ass, but I am coming back to Richmond to do IVF.

While I am waiting for IVF, I have to stay vigilant. I have to keep myself healthy, I have to keep myself relaxed, and I have to keep the faith. I like this part of it. I have control over this. This is something I can do. Something tangible. I can work on my diet and try to continue losing weight, I can work out, I can meditate, I can get myself organized. Right now, I have a goal. With the goal, I have hope, and that is very motivating. Like the Flylady says, when you have your shoes on, you are ready for anything at a moments notice.

Well, I am wearing my lace up shoes, saying the Welcoming prayer, and trying to let go. Let us see what happens.

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

Another year gone...

Sigh. Another year has passed without conception. I was very hopeful until we started the infertility treatment. It does look like the only way to get us pregnant with Hubby's sperm is IVF. I made it official on December 27. I called my RE's office and told them I started my period on Christmas Eve (which was true), and that we would wait until spring and try IVF at that time. I put my bbt thermometer away, and will try to get as healthy as possible for all the poking and prodding that comes with IVF. Hopefully having the next months off infertility treatment will get me used to the idea of IVF.

I will go back to weight watchers. I need to be honest about my weight, so I weighed myself this morning, and recorded that number on my weight watchers home page. Of course, I gained wieght. Now I have to lose all that weight again. I will continue to do my walk/runs. That helps, allows me to eat better, and is a great stress reliever.

I think I will also try to go back to my Flylady routines. She has a great system to get you organized. I will be working long hours on my next job. Now is the time to get organized and get my routines in place. I broke out my Flying notebook, and I need to go through it and reorganize it. Maybe I will reread her book to get me motivated. January is a good time to get organized. New year, new resolutions

Everything feels like it is in a holding pattern right now. I have the whole month of January to get packed for our move across the state. I cannot wait. It hardly seems real. It may seem more real as I pack.

We had one couple come look at our house the day after Christmas. Hopefully this will be the one. Keeping my fingers crossed. Hubby also sent off a couple more job applications. Hopefully one of them will work out.

Hubby's birthday is coming up this Friday. I decided to try making him a strawberry cake for his birthday. He likes strawberrries, and he likes pink. I am not the best cake baker in the world, but we will see what happens. I do not think he will mind if it is imperfect.