Monday, January 21, 2008

Trying to look at the big picture

I think one of the things I find difficult about a blog is that I have to figure out what I want to say. When I write in my journal, I can just ramble and let out what ever I am feeling at the moment without feeling like i have to say something. I think the problem is that I am dealing with a lot of stuff right now. I have a lot of changes happening in my life, and sometimes I do not know where to start, or what exactly I want to say. I am tempted to try to break them down into topics and deal with each one. There is overlap, though. I am not sure I could deal with one thing without mentioning another. I guess that is life, though. Nothing in life seems to fit into neat compartments.

OK, for those who have not been following, here is what is happening with me.

1. The most dominant thing right now is that Hubby and I are movng across the state. In less than two weeks. We are moving because I am deperately unhappy where I am now, and I was tired of being unahppy. I need to be close to civilization. I need to be around people. I do not get that here. I am very ready to leave.

2. Hubby has lots of issues with the move. This is a big deal for me because I get to deal with all the fallout. He is leaving a thriving practice here, and he has been unable to find a job. He decided he will start his own practice. That is a huge stressor on him. He has feelings of inadequacy because he cannot find a job, and because of the male factor infertility we have recently discovered. That hit him really hard. He really wants a child of his own. I can understand that. That is why we will eventually do IVF.

3. Money. I am going to be the major bread winner in the family for a while. That is a different dynamic than previously in our marriage. Some of Hubby’s inadequacy issues may stem from a temporary inability to provide. I think I can afford to pay for everything, but we will not be able to afford a lot of luxuries. I think we both knew that going in. Also, most of our equity is tied up in our house, and the market is slow. Untiil the house sells, we cannot truly go forward. I am hoping we can get the money for IVF from the house selling.

4. Infertility. This always seems to be there, no matter what happens. Our society surrounds us with families, and has a tendency to make us feel inadequate of we do not have children. Right now, this is on the back burner for me. Until we can afford the next treatment, not much is going to happen.

I am thinking if I post on each one it may help me work through my feelings, and make me more aware of how I feel about things. It may also help to put things in perspective. I can get so bagged down in details that I forget to take a step back and look at things as a whole.

2 comments:

Tammy's Thought Pattern said...

Oh, I have been there. DH also has Male Factors. He was okay when it was just me, now that it is him, too, he is crushed.

If fact, we seem to have a lot in common, life-wise.

I look forward to "getting to know you"... :o)

VA Blondie said...

The male factor thing really hit Hubby hard. I think it hits most males hard. For weeks after our RE told us, Hubby hid in his cave and would not talk about it. The diagnosis happened soon after I demanded we move out of the area because I was just too unhappy. Hubby felt generally ineffective and frustrated. There was not a lot I could do. I could not make the male factor go away, and I could not get him a job in Roanoke.

I could empathize with him about the infertility, because I had been there. At least IVF could make it possible for us to have a child. But I mourned the loss of a natural conception. I think I still mourn that loss. I am doing my best to support him as we move, but I work very differently than Hubby. He is content to do things slowly, whereas I prefer action. I want something tangible to show what I am doing. I am trying to let him do things at his own pace

BTW, I love your blog. I look at it regularly.