Wednesday, May 14, 2008

New house, mixed feelings

We have finally moved. We moved over Mother’s day weekend, so I got to miss all of that mommy stuff. I finally unpacked my china this past weekend. It felt really good. The sink in the new house has a garbage disposal. It has been years since I had a garbage disposal. I love it! There are a couple of problems with the new house, though. The house does not have a fence, and the colors on the interior of the house are too dark. I like the colors, but the tones are too dark for my taste. We also have this horridly red room. This red is just terrible. It is almost orange. I may have to paint over it really soon. (At least a primer coat.) Until I can paint it, I think I am trying to avoid it the best I can. Hubby is working on the fence, He finally called for an estimate today, and hopefully someone will come out to give us an estimate by the end of the week.

I feel really disconnected from infertility stuff lately. I think it is because we are not pursuing anything right now. I have been reading some other IF blogs, and many of them deal with IVF. I do not think we are going to do IVF, so I have a hard time relating to that. The child-free blogs I sort of identify with because we do not have children, and there is not really a possibility of children right now. We are not doing donor eggs, and the donor sperm blogs are not easy to find. (I know they are out there, but I have not come across many of them.)

I am starting to feel like I am being left behind. I am thirty-four and our family consists of Hubby, me, our two Danes, and two cats. I feel like the stereo typical infertile who takes out all the mothering desires on our animals. Our Danes are our babies right now. That is all I have to mother. I am even taking one of our Danes to an obedience class this week. I want to do agility with her and we need to brush up on our obedience training. I think it is good to have extracurricular activities.

I am tired of waiting. That seems to be all I can do with the IF stuff right now. I am tired of feeling like I am the only married woman without children. I am tired of always getting my period and never being pregnant. I am tired of other people telling me about their children, and all I have to talk about is my dogs. Somehow it is not the same.

I wanted to have children by now. As things stand now, with the best case scenario, I will be a new mother when I am thirty five or thirty six. That is a decade after when I expected to be a mother. It is more difficult to get pregnant the older you get. After thirty five, fertility declines sharply. After 35, you end up in the high risk pregnancy category simply because of age. I feel like I missed my prime fertility years because I was always waiting for something else to happen, or waiting for it to happen naturally. Now I have to wait until the time is right to pursue fertility treatment. (When I think about all the money I wasted on birth control pills…)
Until someday comes, I distract myself the best I can.


~Jess said...

Sounds like you have some work to do on your house: That's part of what makes it fun, in my opinion at least. We still haven't gotten the estimate for our fence (he was here 3 weeks ago-not impressed).
You have to post some pictures of it!

I know what you mean about feeling detached from all of the IF stuff. That's kind of how I feel...other people are moving forward, getting pregnant, and having babies. We're still just here.

It'll happen eventually. It's amazing how things never happen according to our plans. Hang in there *hugs*

I had wanted to have all my children by the time I was 28 (started at 23)...I'll be 26 in a few months and still nothing. I know it's not the same as in your 30s.

Good luck with the dog obedience class (I'd love to see pictures of your danes)!

Trace said...

I can totally relate to so much of what you said. I always joke about us being "puppy parents".

VA Blondie said...

It is fun to set up a new home.

The nice thing about my dogs is they are usually a distraction from the IF thing. When people ask about children, I tell them our Danes are our babies. Their eyes get real big, and they usually have a lot of questions about our dogs. It is a good way to change to subject.

Queenie. . . said...

I could've written this post (except I don't even have walls to paint right now, because they're all ripped apart, I only have one giant dog, and two cats, and we have different problems re: trying to get PG). The only thing I keep thinking is that life hasn't necessarily taken me where I thought it would, but somehow I've still generally ended up where I needed to be. Hang in there.

annacyclopedia said...

I'm slow in catching up on your journey, but this post really touched me. I SO know how you feel! There has been a lot of waiting in my journey, too - Canadian medical system is great, but things can take a long time - so I know how much it hurts to wait for something that you don't even know what it is, or when it will happen. It is a special kind of torture, I think.

I also really relate to not feeling like you fit in. Even though I obsessively read most of the DI blogs that I know of, there aren't that many, and sometimes I really long to hear from more people who are facing the same issues as I am. Even though I feel like I've been embraced in this community, there are times where I still feel kind of lonely. I agree that the IVF stuff can be kind of off-putting - not the people or their experiences, but I don't have a clue about meds, protocols, injections, side effects or anything. My supportive comments feel a bit hollow sometimes when I can't completely relate.

I also relate to the age thing. I am 34, too, and while I don't pay too much attention to the stats (I know they're true, but they are just stats and don't necessarily reflect what's true for me and my body), it's still hard to hear. I've wanted a baby for a long time, and it is incredibly hard to be still waiting while most of my friends are done having kids. I also fear that when I have kids, I'll be alienated from other new moms. Feels like I'll never fit in.

There are no easy answers for me. I think a lot of this is about grief for me - just another bunch of things I need to let go and grieve the loss of. And remembering that helps me to not feel like such a freak. After all, we give up so much in dealing with IF, and sometimes I think we don't give ourselves anywhere near enough credit for how hard it is. Especially when our losses are not understood or validated by the people around us in real life.

Anyway, I wish you a lot of peace right now, as you figure out where to go from here. It's a tough time, but it doesn't last forever. Hope the house is a good distraction in the meantime.