Waiting

I like to go to the centering prayer web site and see what thoughts they have on the week. This week’s thought was “Waiting for God.” (For the link, see the sidebar.) The article dealt with uncertainty, waiting and vigilance. This resonated with me and my infertility journey because so much of the journey deals with the unknown, and there is a lot of waiting involved. You never know what life will throw at you, so you have to be ready for anything.

I definitely did not plan on the infertility road. You see, I used to have a plan. When I first married, I had all these great ideas, I had a timeline in my head. I wanted a graduate degree, and then children within 5 years. Hubby and I have been married now for 11 years. I have two graduate degrees, and another bachelor’s degree. I am not at all where I thought I would be ten years ago. At first, I was mad at the world for messing up my plans. (Let us just say I have some control issues.) After I started meditating, my point of view changed. (Father Keating calls Centering Prayer the “divine thrapy”, and I think this is true.) I realized that I may have needed to experience the things I did for a reason. I am on this journey for a reason. G-d throws things at you when you are ready. You may not feel ready, but you are. Letting go and letting G-d is probably one of the hardest things I have ever done. And I still have to remember to let go every day.

I have a lot of uncertainty in my life right now. I am waiting to move to Roanoke, I am waiting for Hubby to get a job, and I am waiting for timing and finances to be right to do IVF. With the male factor issues we have, I am not expecting to get pregnant during this waiting period. It has not happened in the last eleven years, it probably will not happen now. I hate waiting. I am probably one of the least patient people out there. Waiting is not a strong point for me. When I want something, I want it now. I think this comes back to my control issues. While I am waiting, I am not in control of what is happening. I hate being out of control. I think this is what scares me about IVF. I am not in control of what is happening. I have to put myself in the RE’s hands. My lack of control with IVF process is why I do not want to switch REs. I like my current RE, and if I am not going to be in control, I want to have a relationship with the person I am giving that control to. It will probably be a pain in the ass, but I am coming back to Richmond to do IVF.

While I am waiting for IVF, I have to stay vigilant. I have to keep myself healthy, I have to keep myself relaxed, and I have to keep the faith. I like this part of it. I have control over this. This is something I can do. Something tangible. I can work on my diet and try to continue losing weight, I can work out, I can meditate, I can get myself organized. Right now, I have a goal. With the goal, I have hope, and that is very motivating. Like the Flylady says, when you have your shoes on, you are ready for anything at a moments notice.

Well, I am wearing my lace up shoes, saying the Welcoming prayer, and trying to let go. Let us see what happens.