Period.

I got my period yesterday. I do not know why, but I always feel better after my period get here. Leading up to it is bad for everyone. I am puffy, irritable, depressed, and crabby. Not to mention the chocolate cravings. There are cycles I feel like my period is a rip-off. I am never pregnant, so why do I get it. (I know, it is a sign of a properly functioning reproductive system, but still.) After my period starts I seem to calm down and realize that things may not be as bad as they seem. (Even with all the cramping and fatigue, things still appear better.) I do not know why that is, it just seems to be how it is with me.

I knew my period was coming this cycle. We are not trying, and we are not treating. Thanks to my glucophage, my periods are fairly regular, and I knew it was due about now. I did not have an emotional reponse this time. I do not know why. Maybe it is because we are on a break, and I knew nothing would happen. Maybe it is because there is a lot going on in my life right now outside of infertility. Maybe after about a decade of infertility, I know that we are not going to get pregnant without medical help.

My period sometimes seems to me to be a reminder that I am still not pregnant. Many cycles I get depressed when I get my period because it means I am not pregnant. I felt this the most with my IUI cycles at the end of last year. IUI was the closest we had been to getting a sperm to meet an egg. And both times Hubby’s morphology turns up 0-1% normal forms. I never got the chance to truly hope with my IUIs. Of course I did hope for a miracle, and when my period came I knew it was coming, but I was not happy about it. I really wanted one of the IUIs to work. What really sucked was that the last IUI started early December, and the way my cycle ran, my period was due around Christmas. Sure enough, it came Christmas eve. I think I was praying for a miracle, which never came.

My period can be a reminder of how empty I feel. I know I have a lot of things to be grateful for. A husband who loves me, two wonderfully huge dogs who think I am great, two cats who sort of like me, a job I think is sort of cool, and I am moving to an area where I can be happy. I still feel empty because I have no child to complete our family. My womb is still barren, I have not been blessed with the gift of life. For a time, I felt like my period was a rejection. I was not good enough to bear a child. I would feel like there is something worng with me that would nto allow me to have children. I know better now, but I have had about eight years to come to terms with this. PCOS is treatable, and I can ovulate. My uterus gets a nice lining for an embyo to implant. I have the right mechanics and they all work. That was a relief for me.

In my head, I know my period is a sign that things are likely functioning normally. Getting my period is a good thing. I should be grateful I have one. In my heart, I feel it is a reminder of what I do not have, and what I wish for. Maybe I have started to reconcile myself to the fact that we will not get pregnant without IVF. The possibility of IVF is my hope right now for a child, and until then I am waiting and expecting nothing.